The Melancholy of Debirukyon
by Themulchmeister
Summary: After watching the live-action adaptation of 'Devilman', Haruhi smashes her DVD player in disgust. Soon Kyon finds himself dragged into a world of demons as he finds out that he is anything but a 'normal human'. Proudly sponsored by Crack.
1. The Sad DVD Player Part I

**The Melancholy of Debiru-kyon**

It was another sleepy weekend spent vegetating on the sofa, watching baseball. I don't normally follow the baseball but I guess I was particularly bored today. For some reason I ended up cheering for the losing team. I would have been happy enough just watching this match all day but it seems fate (with a capital H) had something else in store for me today.

BZZ...BZZ...My phone vibrated with the sound of an annoying bumblebee when I picked it up.

"Hmm...What could she be calling for?" I asked myself as I picked up the phone.

"Hey Kyon are you busy right now?" Just before I had a chance to say anything she spoke back in her dictatorship tone. "Good I need you to come over to my place right away, I've already called the others. It's an emergency so don't be late or else!"

_Or else what? You'll show me that Twilight film again?_ I hung up but just as I was about to put the phone down she had rung back. "By the way...uh...bring some money. I don't think we'll need it but bring some anyway you got that?" Before she terminated the call once more with blunt silence.

That person on the other end of the phone was none other than fellow high school student – though I also have to add President of the SOS brigade and uncontested supreme God of the universe: Haruhi Suzumiya. I always seemed to get dragged into her problems ever since she formed the club for Aliens, time Travellers and Espers. Yet I always seemed compelled to keep joining in these weird shenanigans. I had just gotten over about 50,000 Groundhog loops, a Murder Mystery on a remote Island and about 28 episodes of grief and cruelty to poor Miss Asahina. But surely now that we had gotten through all that there couldn't be anymore problems or Closed Spaces to deal with...

Right...

'''''

When Haruhi said we were meeting her at her place, I didn't think she actually meant outside near a dumpster but oh well...

"...Wrong...it's just wrong!" Miss Suzumiya pouted as she paced around her DVD player. By that of course I meant the pile of scrap metal and broken casing that was once her DVD player. Haruhi seemed to have a slightly irrational tendency to overreact towards just about anything. But here we were somewhere near Haruhi's place, for what was apparently an 'emergency meeting' yet the only thing that needed urgent medical attention was the poor old NEC.

"What seems to be the matter Miss Suzumiya?" The obnoxious Esper named Koizumi called over. He still managed to pull off that cheap-rate smile in every situation. God damn that pisses me off!

"THIS is what's wrong." Haruhi pulled out a DVD case and pressed it towards my face (why mine anyway? I don't care about your stupid tantrums. And besides it was Koizumi who asked the question).

"_Devilman_?" Koizumi inquired. "Is this some sort of movie?"

Haruhi huffed like a stubborn four-year-old "It's a piece of crap that's what it is!" Hey now come on, what did the poor movie do to deserve such harsh treatment. Besides nothing could possibly be as bad as _Twilight_. "This thing cost me 112 minutes of my precious life." Hah...'Precious' "The acting was just awful, the story didn't make sense, they ruined what was a great Anime and..." Haruhi placed a finger to her chin as if she was about to say something intelligent for once. "It may have actually been worse than _Twilight._"

"Oh no!" The flower of my life Miss Mikuru Asahina cried out in words of despair. Don't worry Miss Asahina I'll save you from any horrible movies, just come into my arms and I'll protect you.

"Well it sure sounds like a terrible movie if you put it that way Miss Suzumiya." Koizumi added. Bastard don't encourage her – everyone knows nothing is as bad as Twilight anyway.

"So why the hell did you have to call all of us over just so you could tell us that?" I asked the obvious question.

Haruhi twitched her nose then crossed her arms and stared down at the battered DVD player. "I'll need a new DVD player now, you brought that money right Kyon?"

By the way I forgot to mention my name's Kyon. Well that's what everyone call me actually but my real name is-

"Hey KYON are you listening?" My peaceful thoughts were violated by Haruhi's polluting noise. "Stop daydreaming about yourself this is serious."

"So why am I forking out to pay for YOUR DVD player which YOU yourself broke?"

"Because, it's not my fault this movie remake was so awful that I was forced to break the DVD player." Of course she's right isn't she? No-one could ever possibly challenge Haruhi's logic so I conceded with a long sigh.

"So I'm guessing you brought us here so we could find you a new DVD player.

Haruhi bore a smile that would normally be considered innocent and cute on any other girl but with her it meant she was conjuring up something nasty like another Closed Space, or even plans to make another Movie for the school festival. "Ah-ah-ah! YOU Kyon have been delegated the vital task of buying me a new DVD player, whilst I go back home and recover after such a traumatic viewing experience." I would've laughed if only I didn't already know that Haruhi was dead serious with those words.

"Alright, but you better not trash your new one every-time you watch a crappy movie alright?" And with those wonderful words of advice I left Haruhi and the poor electronic appliance scattered by her feet, guided by my three 'wonderful' supernatural companions on a ground-breaking quest to find Haruhi a new DVD player.

Little did I realise as I was walking away from her, that Haruhi's tantrum would spark the dawning of an apocalypse, so terrifying that it would make Miss Asahina cry...Oh wait...Never mind...

* * *

><p><strong>Kyon: Wait. So is that the end of the first chapter already?<strong>

**TM: Yeah...why?**

**Kyon: Don't you think it was a little short?**

**TM: Yeah but it's supposed to be short. Most people don't like reading 3000+ word chapters.**

**Kyon: But we didn't even reach the part where I become a Devilman.**

**TM: Shhh! Oh dammit now you've spoiled it for everyone.**

**Kyon: But it was obvious from the beggining. Come on you should have at least reached that part.**

**TM: Geez Kyon can't you just until the next chapter?**

**Kyon: Grr...Whatever, I can't believe I agreed to this stupid fanfic anyway.**

**TM: Hey aren't you suppossed to be in a closed space with the Twilight cast right now?**

**Kyon: Huh?**

**TM: Nothing-nothing anyway - ahem - what could possibly be in store for Kyon and the SOS brigade now? Don't miss the next exciting chapter!**

**Kyon: I buy a DVD player and that's about it.**

**TM: Shut up already.**


	2. The Sad DVD Player Part II

**Chapter 6**

And so just like that...The four of us found ourselves in a smelly downtown second-hand appliance shop looking for a DVD player – preferably one Haruhi would offer some more love and affection to.

"This one should suffice." Miss Nagato – who's normally as loud as a dog whistle, pointed at a device which might have been perceived as a DVD player.

"Miss Nagato, that's a fax machine." I explained as kindly as possible. Yuki gave me a few rapid blinks which might have been Data Processing Language for 'I already knew that you jerk!'.

"I think I'll go and ask the manager for some help." Koizumi fluttered away into the other aisles like a bird looking for a fountain of water. Mikuru crept by my side as she scanned the shelves for the pesky device.

"Um...Kyon, why do you think Miss Suzumiya reacted in such a violent way towards that movie?" Miss Asahina spoke to me with eyes which glistened like pearls in the deepest depths of the ocean.

"I've been asking myself the same thing – among other very challenging questions involving her – throughout the entire day." I lightly responded.

Koizumi returned with a short middle-aged man who wore thick black spectacles. "So your after a DVD player I hear?"

"Yep." I nod. "Seems our old one had some relationship problems."

The owner seemed more than happy to help us out and smiled his salesperson smile. "I think I've got some fresh stock in the back-room so if you want I can grab it out for you."

"Thanks Mr. Owner." Koizumi smiled as the man went into the storage rooms for the DVD player. "I guess this was easy enough after all." Koizumi regarded. Easy for him to say though since he isn't the one forking out the bill.

"Here we are." The owner came back out in less than a minute with a large white box, I couldn't tell what the brand was, but the box appeared blank. He lifted the box over the counter and smiled again – his grins were starting to worry me, maybe he just liked the look of Koizumi or something (wait where am I going with this? Move on!).

"So how much is it?"

The man tapped the box and chuckled. "Y'know what, you guys can have this one for free."

"Really?" I said as I half held out my notes.

"Yeah sure, I wanted to get rid of this one anyway." The man passed me over the box and waved us goodbye. "Be sure to take good care of it!"

And just like that...We had 'acquired' a DVD player for Miss Suzumiya. As we left the store I noticed Koizumi with a rather perky smirk painted on his face. What kind of charm did that Esper pull this time?

'''''

Later that day, we 'dropped off' Haruhi's new DVD player though for some reason she'd arranged for it to be set up at – what would you know it, the place of yours truly. I was granted the privilege to install 'her' new player and read to her all the instructions and warranties. She never listened to a word I said anyway, and warranties? For gods sake it was a second hand DVD player we got for free!

Okay Haruhi so that's how you install a DVD player...So now you can go home and practise doing it yourself...But no...before she left, Haruhi made us sit through another 105 minutes of pure torture. She wanted to make sure the thing would work, so she made us watch some documentary about a prepubescent boy who somehow managed to woo scores of prepubescent teenage girls into following his so called music. I think he was called James Beaver or something but I didn't care enough to remember the name.

Thankfully Haruhi didn't mind and wasn't going to destroy another piece of technology. Perhaps she just knew how much I would hate it. After that was over I was granted the privilege of packing up her DVD player and giving it back to her so she could finally leave me in peace.

'''''

For some reason I kept finding myself watching this Anime called 'Lucky Star' every night. It was the most stupid cartoon I had ever come across. A bunch of high-schoolers drawn by some perverted old man as lolicon bait. Yet for some reason I was compelled to watch the show – I mean I suppose that one with the blue hair is pretty funny, she kind of reminds me of another crazy girl...

My mobile began vibrating again. I grabbed it off my table and discovered it was from Koizumi.

"Hello?"

"I need you to meet me outside right away." Koizumi said with blunt seriousness as he hung up. I went downstairs and opened the door to discover he was waiting by a taxi driven by a posh looking driver.

"What's this all about?" I ask scratching my head.

Koizumi isn't smiling anymore. "Could you please get in?" Koizumi opened the door and I shuffled to the end seat. He slid in straight after and gave a signal for the driver to start moving. "This is about Miss Suzumiya?"

"What a surprise?" I groan. "So lemme guess, she's gotten so mad over _Devilman _she's formed another closed space?"

Koizumi shook his head. "If only that was it. In fact another rather strange phenomenon has emerged, and unfortunately you're not put of the equation either."

"Come on! I'm not going to have to kiss her again right?" I argue.

Koizumi flicks his hair and shares an uneasy glance. "Have you always held onto that belief that whilst Miss Suzumiya has brought together an Alien a Time Traveller and an Esper that you were still just an ordinary human?"

"Uh...yeah..." I nodded with very little confidence.

"Well I'm afraid that is no longer the case." Koizumi glanced over the driver's shoulder. "Ah we're here! Thank you." Koizumi half lifted his body out of the taxi. Although it was getting dark I noticed that we had reached some sort of old warehouse on the outskirts of the city. I suppose when you end up putting the words 'old', 'warehouse', and 'outskirts' into one phrase then you know you're not going to a picnic..."Are you coming?"

"Could you at least explain what we're doing here?"

Koizumi faced the warehouse and sighed. "There will be time for explanations in the next chapter, but I should ask you one last thing." The strange Esper hung his head back into the car. "Did you happen to bring a spare pair of clothes?"

* * *

><p><strong>TM: I would like to disclose that Kyon's views and opinions are not always relfective of the authors and that I should apologise on Kyon's behalf for any Lucky Star fans who may have been offended by his snide remarks in this latest chapter.<strong>

**Kyon: Don't do that!**

**TM: Do what?**

**Kyon: Make me sound like the bad guy here. It was just a small comment I made about some insignificant show.**

**TM: [Loads handgun and fires]**

** Let that be a warning next time.**

**Kyon: Goddamn otaku...**

**TM" Moving on, I would also like to stress that although Kyon's narrow-minded views on Lucky Star do not reflect my own, I don't apologise for Kyon's views about Justin Bieber. I think we can all agree that that half-assed excuse for a fangirl harvester can go die in a closed space somewhere.**

**Kyon: That's better.**

**TM: So two chapters down and we find ourselves already in the action.**

**Kyon: Meh...We still haven't been told what exactly is going on yet, or who the enemy is for that matter.**

**TM: Ever heard of padding things out? Anyway next chapter Kyon's true nature is finally revealed, what will Kyon have to do to save the world this time?**

**Kyon: [Yawn] Find out in the next 'exciting' chapter...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**TM: Why Kyon? Just...Just why do** **it?**


	3. The Melancholy of Debirukyon Part I

**Chapter 4**

I proceeded to ask the obvious question yet again. "What the hell am I doing here?"

"Could you please just come in here, it will all make sense very soon." Koizumi ushered me towards the old warehouse. Several guys in black suits came from seemingly nowhere and grunted messages to each other as they opened the roller door. I was confronted with a room of complete darkness. "Just come inside and we'll take it from there."

I stop and protest. "Now hang on! I know better than anyone not to waltz into some dark room without knowing the context."

Koizumi pressed his fingers against his forehead and sighed. "You're right. Then let me start..." Koizumi twisted on his feet and faced me against the backdrop of the dark abyss. "Remember how Miss Suzumiya didn't like that movie called _Devilman_?"

"Way to go with the euphemisms Koizumi." I add. But Koizumi isn't laughing. Don't tell me she's going to destroy the world again?

"Miss Suzumiya abhorred that remake so much that a very worrying phenomena has occurred. I've been in touch with all my contacts, but we're all without a clue as to how this could have occurred. Even Miss Nagato couldn't predict this oddity."

I stamp my feet, feeling impatient. "Just tell me already."

But instead of Koizumi's smug response, I hear rumbling inside the warehouse. I feel the air vibrate around my body like tiny needles, poking my nerves. "Okay, now's the time for answers!"

But before I get any I'm pushed into the warehouse by three burly guys. I try and anchor my feet to the ground but they throw me inside and slam the door shut. I notice Koizumi is with me in here as well. I can tell when he rests his hand on my shoulder (again too damn close Koizumi!).

"You can feel it can't you? The sensation is already coursing through your blood. Don't fight it, just release it and set yourself free."

"Look Koizumi I understand that there are many people like you in the world and respect their rights and everything but no means no!" I shuffle away from him until I feel a hard (and furry) surface. Could it be a wall? Some sort of tarpaulin or cover?

The rumbling returns – well it's more of a growling noise, kind of like a wolf on steroids whose been waiting five days for his next deer or rabbit to eat. I feel something warm and wet fall on my head. I comb my hand through my hair and discover to my horror (or relief since your mileage may vary...) that the liquid was in fact saliva.

"What the-" Before I can say anything I'm hit by a great force, possibly equivalent to being hit by a car in the pedestrian zone (hey that's still gonna hurt!). My body is flung into a wall across the other side of the room. I cough up blood and I think one of my ribs might be broken. My heart starts thumping like a dog on heat. _Just what the hell is happening to me? Am I going to die?_

Then I hear chains snap as something large and terrifying emerged from the shadows. It walks on two giant arms – well paws if you want to be specific. It's skin is grey and covered in a thick black hide. Huge trails of saliva, big enough to drown a man, lap across its face. As it takes each step forward the ground shakes into a mini tremor. At this point I'm basically shitting bricks!

"KOIZUMI YOU BASTARD!"

But just before I can face being turned into a giant half-dog-monster's chow, a huge pulse surges through my body like electricity. My body convulses as my arms and legs begin growing and reforming themselves. I scream in tremendous pain as my skin is stretched and rows of spikes and fins protrude in streaks across my body. My hands and feet widen as my finger and toe nails extend into dark talon-like claws. Finally I feel a huge pain strike my head as if a pair of horns or something similar were growing out of it.

_What was in Miss Asahina's tea anyway? Maybe I've been drinking too much of her good stuff lately – no wait – I'm going to die if I don't respond to this giant...thing!_

The monster extends a huge hand and swipes for my body but instinct drives me to roll out of the way. If Haruhi were here, she might have gotten a good shot of a perfect Hollywood Action-style evasion roll. But making crappy films would have to wait another day, my priority was to eliminate this giant threat to myself and, well to a lesser extent, Koizumi.

"GRAWWW!" The dog beast snapped open its jaw as if opening a portal into death itself. But something in me knew that I had to fight back. So without really thinking I closed my eyes and extended my hand into the dark hole, preparing for a result that may be as unpleasant as artificially inseminating a cow (go ahead Google image it I dare you!). Fortunately when I opened my eyes it appeared the beast had stopped trying to eat me, instead blood sprayed from the back of its head and down its mouth, soaking my body in its life juices. When I yanked my hand back out the beast fell backwards, hitting the floor with a giant hole through its mouth and out the other side.

"Holy crap! Did I do that?" I asked myself as I studied my new form more carefully. My skin had turned a blueish grey and my clothes had been torn to shreds. _I guess that now explains why Koizumi asked me for a spare pair of clothes._

"Now you have discovered your true identity...How does that make you feel?" Koizumi wrapped a towel around my naked beast-form.

I pull away from Koizumi and start losing my cool again. "OKAY KOIZUMI JUST WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Who – what was that thing I just killed? Why are we here...And...Just what the hell happened to my body?"

Koizumi did the one thing that made me wish he had been eaten by that mutant canine: he laughed and smiled as arrogantly as ever. "That creature you fought just then is what we call a demon. We came here to find a way to destroy it...And as for you my dear friend..." Koizumi stepped across the room then turned on his feet in the kind of way people do in movies when they are about to unveil a huge revelation. This was no exception when the Esper from North High faced me and revealed the reality I really didn't want to hear.

"...You are Debirukyon..."

* * *

><p><strong>TM: Ooh! Now this is getting interesting.<strong>

**Kyon: Eh...**

**TM: Come on! I reckon it'd be totally epic to be a half-human half-demon.**

**Kyon: Yeah then I think you should do it instead. I'm sicking of being in all the poo-shovelling jobs.**

**TM: Well I don't pay you to think - in fact...I don't pay you at all. MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**Kyon: ...**

**TM: ...**

**Kyon: You done?**

**TM: Sorry.**

**Kyon: Hmph.**

**TM: By the way you think you could have padded the fight with that demon for a bit longer eh?**

**Kyon: What!**

**TM: Well it only took four paragraphs for you to kill it, maybe you could have done a few flips or breathed fire or something...**

**Kyon: But I was trying to not die for God's sake! What more could you possibly want?**

**TM: Well I'll let you off this time but make sure the next fighting sequence is filled with lots of emotion and flare, maybe have a scene where you save a naked Haruhi from a water demon.**

**Kyon: You're messed up.**

**TM: I know but it gets the reviews. Speaking of, make sure you readers give some feedback. In the next chapter, Kyon comes to terms with the fact he must now fight demons as a half-human half demon in order to save the world. Don't miss it!**


	4. Don't Go in the Deep End Part I

**Chapter 37**

WEEE A TIME SKIPPAGE:

**Wait hang on I haven't had my emotional monologue yet!**

Dammit...and just like that I found myself back in the clubroom with Miss Asahina pouring another cup of sweet bliss at my table (it's a metaphor don't get any bad ideas guys!).

So far the only other person – well information database thingy – in the room was Miss Nagato, who had her head down into the pages like always. Koizumi hadn't arrived yet and it was bothering me for some reason. Before last night's incident, I wouldn't haven gave two toss if he never showed up to the clubroom. But perhaps after fighting a demon with murderous intent, I needed to see him just to find out a bit more information – like for instance: why the hell does this have to happen to ME?

…

FLASHBACKAGE:

**Oh great thanks...**

"_Wait a minute Koizumi, are you saying that I'm some sort of Devilman?"_

"_Debirukyon." Koizumi tired correcting me. "You see unlike most other demons, you still have a heart, a special kind of heart that only a person such as yourself – Kyon, can possibly possess."_

"_So basically I'm like one of those monsters that fights monsters?" I conclude for myself._

"_Pretty much. You see after watching that live-action remake of Devilman, Miss Suzumiya must have wished for real demons to walk upon the earth. That way she could witness a real life re-enactment of the film, which would surely satisfy her more than the cheesy movie." Koizumi light-heartedly explained. "That's our theory at least."_

"_But how come I have to be the Devilman?"_

"_Debirukyon." Koizumi interjected again._

"_Why am I supposed to be this half demon thing? Why not Miss Nagato or even you?"_

_Koizumi chuckled which didn't put me at any more ease. "My only explanation is that either Haruhi wished for you to become Debirukyon...Or that in fact you were born this way and have been a Debirukyon your entire life."_

…

I needed some counselling, and since Miss Asahina didn't have a clue about anything other than looking gorgeous and making tea, I had to resort to...

"Say Miss Nagato." The little book-alien lifted her head like a bird looking for water. "You're a Data Entity right? Do you happen to know anything about demons or devils or anything like that?"

Nagato looked straight at me without even looking like her face had moved when she spoke. "No...Sorry..." Her words were blunt and felt like a jab to the gut as she resumed her meticulous reading for the day.

"HEYA GUYS!" And now my day could finally being with that wonderful serpent known as Miss Suzumiya. She danced into the room holding a bag of floating rings and pool toys. "Today we're going to the public baths." She had declared with her Chieftain voice.

I try to explain to the 900-calorie chick "But it's a school day...We can't just ditch classes."

"HAHAHA! Shut up Kyon." Haurhi twirled over to Miss Asahina as she pulled out a tiny swim suit from the bag. "~Mikuru, I got a little something for you to wear to the pool." she dangled the tiny two piece in front of the cosplaying time-traveller.

"B-But I can't fit into that." Miss Asahina's words were tossed away much like her clothing as Haruhi began stripping her down. "WAIT PLEASE STOP!" Miss Asahina cried. By the time Haruhi slipped Miss Asahina down to her underwear I knew I had to do a little self-censorship (I know guys it pains me too!). After about three minutes of high pitched squealing and squirming I could turn back and see Miss Asahina dressed in something that would surely wind up getting her arrested for indecent exposure. That cute little Time traveller could barely contain her chest inside that green striped bikini.

Before I could become ensnared by the twin sister's hypnotic trance I had to bring back some reason to the room. "Hang on, why are you changing her now when your still at school?"

Haruhi balanced a pen on her nose as if I'd just said something stupid. "Because I wanted to see what she looked like in it." She turned back to her slave – ahem, fellow club member. "Now I know next time to get another size up."

"So I bet you got yourself something as humiliating to wear at the pool." I groaned.

Haruhi smiled in that innocently evil manner again. "You just wanna see me get changed don't you?"

_Please spare me...My left hand will only salute for Miss Asahina..._ "Anyway, you still haven't realised that we can't just skip school." Even if I'm a half-demon-demon-hunter, I would still like to maintain a clean slate for my education. "Why are you so keen on going to the pool today anyway"

"Because some random guy down the street just gave me free tickets." Haruhi shared a fanged grin, seemingly ignorant of how wrong her statement just sounded.

"Look, I still don't understand why we have to go today." I try and get through to the Self-proclaimed Goddess of the Universe one last time.

"It's such a great day, who needs school anyway. If you wanna be a loser and stay here then go ahead, but I'm taking Mikuru with me." Haruhi yanked the poor girl from her seat as she was about to leave the room. Just thinking about poor Miss Asahina being dragged through the street in that number, being thrown into the pool, getting herself all wet and...

"WAIT A MINUTE!" I jump from my chair just as Haruhi and Miss Asahina were about to leave. "...I'll come too..."

…

I have to admit I'm glad I made the decision to come to the pool. The refreshing breeze and the aroma of chlorine allowed me to truly feel relaxed in the mid-summer heat.

"Come on! Get! In! The! Pool!" Haruhi tugged Miss Asahina out of the shade.

"But...this is too embarrassing." Miss Asahina pleaded like a lamb about to be slaughtered as she was thrown into the pool. "KYAH!"

"There ya' go, it wasn't so bad." Haruhi called over from the edge of the pool. She had changed into a more modest yellow two piece which at least covered twice as mush as poor Miss asahina's ever could.

"I must ask Miss Suzumiya..." I lean forward from the deckchair lifting off my shades. "Do you get some sort of sadistic pleasure every time you torment Miss Asahina."

"Huh? ~Nevermind?" Haruhi ignored my inquiries as she let herself fall into the watery depths. Even though it was a school day, it seemed the pool was brimming with a number of different families and couples. I suppose they all had the same plan going...

"A lovely chance to take a break from school don't you think?" Koizumi's familiar voice had returned (oh how grateful I was!). The Esper stood by my deckchair with Miss Nagato – who was spared from Haruhi's perverted wrath with a light purple one-piece. "When I was heading to school, Miss Suzumiya said to meet her and the rest of you here. She sure has some brilliant plans for us in the near future."

I groan with a bitter feeling in my throat. "If only she could stop changing the course of the Universe once in a while."

"I'd say this is a great chance to free our heads from the confusion that ha arisen over the last few days." Koizumi declared as he was ready to enter the water.

"Hang on..." I get up and he pauses for a moment. "I need to know more about this...you know..."

Koizumi chuckled and slapped a hand on my shoulder (seriously I will lay charges one day!) "Can we please discuss this in the pool, I don't know about you but I could really do with a cool down right now."

…

Haruhi and Miss Asahina played with each other across the other side of the pool while Koizumi and myself chatted about a more pressing matter. "You shouldn't find yourself in any real danger as long as you allow your inner-demon to awaken in battle."

I nod reluctantly. "Yeah but is there any way we can just avoid dealing with these demons?"

Koizumi shook his head regrettably. "I'm afraid not. The Agency is working non-stop to confirm the cause of this situation and how we can evade any further complications."

"What sort of complications?" I cross my arms.

Koizumi laughs nervously and hold out a hand casually. "Relax, nothing bad is going to happen as long as you obey orders."

Suddenly I find myself obeying orders...What am I some sort of dancing bear or something? "Miss Nagato doesn't know anything about these demons." I change the trajectory of the subject.

Koizumi faces Yuki who is sitting against a tree reading another piece of Earthling literature. "While you were with the others I briefed her about the situation, she is now on par with the two of us." Koizumi wades along the pool until he was a hair's breadth from me. "Don't forget, we must not tell Miss Suzumiya about any of this."

"OKAY! Just back away a bit." I wade back from his position.

"_Hey...Hey how's it goin'?"_ I'm distracted by Haruhi's echoing calls from the other side of the pool. We both swim over to the two girl and I ask her. "hey who are you calling out to?"

Haruhi smiles quite pleasantly for once. With her hair pulled back into a pony tail, maybe this is one of her more bearable personas. But then she lifts a hand out of the water and points towards the edge of the pool. "It's the kind man who gave me free pool tickets." She continued waving a gathering as much attention as possible as I discovered the man who was standing idly by the pool fence.

"My God..." The man couldn't be any more depraved than this. He stood out perfectly wearing a grey coat and shoes with toes poking out of holes. He wore a tattered brown hat and a spotted tie. Okay now the cliché tramp thing was getting beyond the ridiculous now...But then one I got a better look at his slithering and distorted face I knew something was highly out of the ordinary with this man.

I turn to Koizumi who share the same serious expression as me. "I smell another Demon..."

* * *

><p><strong>TM: Another great hook to get us reading the next chapter!<strong>

**Kyon: Mm**

**TM: Way to go setting up a Fanservice chapter by the way Kyon.**

**Kyon: Well I aim to please I suppose.**

**TM: There just cannot be too many Haruhi fanfics dedicated to Mikuru fanservice.**

**Kyon: Well hold on...I don't think everyone writes stories like that. Have you even bothered checking the Haruhi fanfics on this site?**

**TM: Yeah you can go ahead and do that. I just wanna see what happens to poor Miss Asahina when the Demon strikes in the next chapter.**

**Kyon: I think you're gonna be dissapointed.**

**TM: Well the fans might not like what you're implying there Kyon.**

**Kyon: Screw them.**

**TM: Yeah you can go and do that too. Anyway hang around for a Ryona-filled chapter of demons and tentacles and clothing damage as Kyon fights another demon in order to save his friends...and Koizumi as well...**

**Kyon: What's Ryona?**

**TM: For god's sake Kyon just shut up!**


	5. Don't Go in the Deep End Part II

**Chapter 38**

"Hey guys..." I address my fellow club members with a voice of dead-seriousness. "I think we better leave now."

Haruhi felt bothered by my wanting to get out of the pool in a hurry. "No way! It's so refreshing in here, and besides we've only just gotten here."

"We've been here for three hours." I correct her as I try nudging her out of the water.

"Hey-Kyon what are you-" Suddenly a large object landed itself in the water just were we were standing a few seconds ago. I notice a large brown object sinking to the bottom of the pool, it soon starts sprouting green extensions – possibly leaves. I feel the stems coiling tightly around my leg as if trying to drag me under the 1.3 metre deep water.

Okay so maybe if I were in the deeper end this could have been a serious problem –_ but wait a minute! What that's besides the point! What the hell is that thing around my foot and where the hell did it come from?_

"KYAH!" Miss Asahina's squeals of fear push me into defensive mode.

"Hey what's the matter?" I try and comfort the poor terrified damsel as her chattering teeth try to say something like 'over there'.

Yuki and Koizumi just stare as if it were just another trivial demon. But when I noticed that the creepy man had in fact transformed his arm into a sort of tree-cannon gauntlet thingy, I knew we were all in deep-

"SHIT!" I pushed Mikuru underwater as another wooden pod fired from his arm. The seed sprouted as soon as it contacted the water, extending it's vines across the water in search for other victims.

Only now did the general public do the sensible thing and start scrambling out the water in panic. Now I only had to worry about Miss Asahina and to a lesser degree Miss Suzumiya.

"Gehehe! My children love the taste of human sap**.**" The plant-demon thing spoke in a demonic manner – kind of like when you get one of those voice distorting microphones and set it to demon or whatever.

"Wow this guys just showing off too much now." A logic-defiantly ignorant Haruhi regarded the tree-demon as Mikuru cowered behind me.

Koizumi turned toward me. "Miss Nagato will take Miss Asahina and Miss Suzumiya to safety. I think you know what to do."

"But hang on I can't change into Devilkyon-"

"Debirukyon..."

"I can't change into Devilkyon-"

"Debirukyon." I get cut off again.

"I can't transform in front of everyone – especially Miss Suzumiya."

"Oh my..." Koizumi shook his head. "Well you don't need to worry about that now."

"What do you mean by that?" I get angry. "Hang on where's Miss Suzumiya? OH MY GOD WHERE'S MISS ASAHINA!" I wade around the pool, searching for my beautiful super-maiden time-traveller and the 'intelligent' designer of everything weird about this universe.

"Miss Nagato, you were supposed to take Miss Suzumiya and Miss Asahina to safety." I overhear Koizumi talking to the data entity.

"I miss-calculated the offensive potential of our enemy." Yuki excused herself in Data Processing terms.

"KYAH! LET ME GO SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!" Miss Asahina's screams could be heard outside the water. That damn tree-monster-guy dares to wrap his tentacle branches around Miss Asahina's precious virgin body. The damsel in distress struggled in vain as the demon's vines continued slithering around her precious body, reaching into her...

"**Dammit I was going to pop her cherry you evil demon!**" The devil in me was finally awakened as I called forth my power. Miss Asahina's screams turned into weak whimpering moans as those tentacles started...

"Do you think she might be enjoying this?" The depraved monster continued taunting me.

"**Grrr. I'm gonna make you into mulch wise guy!**" My clever declaration didn't receive any kudos from Koizumi or Yuki (unsurprisingly) as I beat the living shit out of the tree thing – much like punching a real tree or as equally pleasurable as beating a hippy, chained to said tree.

The tree-man was beaten to fine pulp which could be used for paper one day. Mikuru was released from his vine's wrath as I gently caught her in my enormous beastly arms. "Go to sleep princess..." I softly whispered as I lay her on the ground.

Mikuru seemed so peaceful in her unconscious state. She was just like a sleeping angel only with a skimpy swimsuit on instead of wings. Her lips parted into a weak smile in her dormant state, she looked so beautiful that (**No I'm a gentleman I'm not going to do 'that'!**)

"Kyon stop breaking the fourth wall and rescue Miss Suzumiya." Koizumi brought me back to the nightmarish reality.

"Oh right! But I just killed this guy, shouldn't Miss Suzumiya be..." I noticed a whirring tornado of water hovering above the ground just to the other side of the pool. "Wait there's another demon-guy?"

"It appears so." Koizumi responded reaffirming my worst fears. "And this one has taken Miss Suzumiya."

I focus my vision (I guess I must have extra strong vision when I'm in demon mode – hell why not?) and discover our brigade leader drowning in a vortex of swirling, gravity-defying water. "Y-know, what if we were to just let them have Miss Suzumiya and cut our losses later?"

Yuki was kind enough to answer my question. "That would mean the end of the world as well."

"Great...alright." Just as I'm about to leap across the watery body to save Haruhi I suddenly feel a great deal of strength escaping my body – causing me to fall to my knees. "What the...hell...is happening...to all my strength?"

Koizumi pointed to my leg. "It's the vines, they're absorbing your energy!"

"Son-of-a-bitch is still giving me grief!" I rip the vines quite easily from my legs and tear apart the remaining pile of mulch that was the plant demon. And just to be sure I even ate a few pieces of his remains (mmm...Fibre! It's good for you!). "Alright now for the water-demon to face Devilkyon's justice!"

"Debirukyon's justice." Koizumi added as I burst across the pool and caught Haruhi, releasing her from the water demon's grasp and leaving her to recover by the pool's edge. "DIE!" I slash my claws across the ovoid bubble of water, but I should have watched enough cartoons to realise that you can't cut through water – let alone a water demon. "Now what do I-" I'm cut of by a spout of water cutting across my abdomen. "Hey, let me finish my sentences first!" I bark back at the aggressive demon. "Wait a minute! I think I've worked it out!"

The water demon throws a few more wild jets of water at my body, before I finally catch a rogue water-spout with a curled fist. I use my hand as a makeshift straw, slurping up the demon's entire form in a few seconds. "AGH! Chlorine flavour..."

As my body reverted back to its more socially acceptable form, I noticed Koizumi and Yuki – who was carrying Mikuru as fragilely as an alien could know how, walked over to the other side of the pool. "Well done! You managed to defeat the two demons without any casualties or anyone seeing you transform."

"Then why are you still cringing like that?" I retort whilst grabbing a stranger's towel to cover my tattered board-shorts.

Koizumi bore a painful smile as if he were constipated or something (dude, just go and eat a tree like I did). "Well as you can see Miss Suzumiya is still unconscious and not breathing either.

I flick my head over and find the Queen of Eccentricity lying awkwardly with a blueish pale face. Add to that the froth congealing around her mouth and well, let's just say she wouldn't qualify for Miss Unconscious Beauty this year.

"Holy crap! We're gonna have to use CPR on her!" I turn back to my wonderfully reliable club members, who both shared the kind of glances I really-really was not looking for.

"Well you know I can't possibly do that." Koizumi abstained instantly.

I try the Data Entity. "Miss Naga-"

"Not possible."

I look down at the unconscious and possibly dying Haruhi as I gulp my pride and tilt her body ready to perform...to perform...ugh...ready to perform...

_GOD DAMN YOU!_

* * *

><p><strong>TM: Haha...Well now wasn't that great Kyon?<strong>

**Kyon: Fuck...You!**

**TM: Aww come on you got to fulfil every otaku's fantasy by giving Miss Suzumiya mouth-to-mouth.**

**Kyon: She vomited on my face...What's so wonderful about that?**

**TM: Far out Kyon...a lot of people would probably like to be playing your role right about now**

**Kyon: Sure they can go ahead and be the arse-cushion for the rest of the story, I won't be offended.**

**TM: Hey just where do you think you're going? You're gonna finish this fanfic or else.**

**Kyon: Or else what?**

**TM: I'll show you all those meme videos of Mikuru crying.**

**Kyon: Bastard you know how to manipulate me don't you?**

**TM: Haha...Yeah...Anyway I hope our readers can look forward to the next fun-filled-fighting epicness chapter...There'll be plenty more demons out there to give Kyon some more misery so stay tuned.**

** Kyon: Good... Well I'll be back in a few hours since I now gotta go crap out a tree demon and piss out a water demon._  
><em>**


	6. The Melancholy of Debirukyon Part II

**Chapter 5**

The next day dragged on like it always did. I trudged up a damned mountain just to fight off sleep through class and then like usual I begrudgingly shuffled over to the club-room. I could just not go but what else am I going to do at home? Play with my sister? Screw that!

And so with no choice really I made my way to the club room.

Koizumi was sitting at the table, the othello board already set up for a game. His smile burns but whatever, all I have to do is glance over at Miss Asahina in her maiden costume and everything is forgotten.

Well, not _everything_...

"So," I groan whilst collapsing into my chair opposite the ever smiling esper boy, "about yesterday..."

"My that was fun wasn't it?" Koizumi interrupts since I kind of trailed off the instant a stunning little maid served me my tea. I snap out of it shortly afterwards and glare at him.

"Fun? Fun? That was not fun!"

"Oh I'm sure it wasn't that bad. You really must accept your role as Debirukyon. Until the Organisation can find a solution to this problem we have no choice but to rely on you."

"But I don't want to be Devilkyon-"

"Debirukyon." Koizumi interjects eloquently.

"I don't care! Just sort it out so I don't have to keep fighting those things! Maybe if we slap Haruhi hard enough she will snap out of it?"

Koizumi chuckled. It was the most annoying sound I've ever heard. "Perhaps it might work, but we both know that if it didn't the results would be disastrous."

I bury my head in my hands and sigh, "I'm already sick of this."

"Now, now" Koizumi cooed, "The events that transpired yesterday were trivial. No-one was seriously injured or killed and the damage was kept to an absolute minimum. I am relieved frankly that-"

"Haruhi threw up in my mouth while I was trying to revive her because you were too absorbed in your own reflection in the water! Do you know what I had for dinner last night? Neither do I because all I could taste was Haruhi's lunch! And don't even get me started on what happened to Miss Asahina!"

"Me?" the time travelling angel in question appeared beside me, clutching a tray to her ample bosom, "What happened to me at the pool?"

"What? You can't remember?" How could you forget your first? Oh that's right you were out cold by that point...Probably a good thing too. Considering the way you act just when someone pats your shoulder I wouldn't want to witness your reaction of having a demonic vine slithering up your-

I coughed quite loudly, startling the little maid and causing her to leap back into the wall.

"Y-Yesterday? Oh nothing happened really. It's just that you passed out is all."

Miss Asahina placed a tiny finger to her chin. It was adorable. "Oh right, because I remember something about a tree and then...then I can't remember. But it hurt to stand afterwards..."

Why was I the only one blushing? Okay Nagato is excused, the only time she would blush would be if she was going to self destruct but Koizumi was right there too! Surely he- Oh never mind.

"Well...Uh...Miss Asahina have you ever seen Evil Dead 2?"

She gave me a look like she'd just watched me give birth. "N-No...That sounds scary!"

I nod, "Good."

"Well what about it?" Miss Asahina was rather persistent today.

"Nothing! I was just asking." I lied, covering my tracks like an experienced woodsman.

"Oh ok. So what happened at the pool then?" Oh Miss Asahina please just give it a rest!

"Well actually Debirukyon had to fight off some demons at the pool yesterday." I glared, Mikuru stared and Koizumi just smiled.

"Oh ok." She chirped like a broken record. After a moment's thought she finally added, "So what's a Debirukyon?"

"It's a-"

"I'm a demon hunter alright." I quickly butt in. As if I'm going to let Koizumi spill my secret! Oh wait, I just did...Dammit!

"Wow! You hunt demons, Kyon?" Asahina asks with shimmering sparkles in her eyes.

"Yes, now can we please just drop it?"

"~Kyahh! You're so brave!" Miss Asahina promptly hugged my arm and cheered. Well...This is nice...Okay man, now is your chance! Just calm down and take a deep breath. Now say something cool like-

"Ha ha ha, yeah! I'm Devilkyon and I kill demons." Never mind. Make an ass of yourself instead, whatever.

"Actually, He is Debirukyon and he kills demons."

"Really? So what powers do you have?" Miss Asahina was bouncing around me like a puppy that had just sniffed out some liver treats. The sight of her little head bobbing up and down was remarkably cute if I do say so myself.

"Well," I rolled my eyes, "how about we ask the expert? Koizumi what powers do I have?"

I expected him to dish out some smart-ass quip and dodge the question. Instead he just smiled like the pompous bastard that he is and listed off everything he could with an air of calm as if this was the easy part of a test.

"He has rapid transformation abilities allowing Kyon to morph into a form more suited for battle. This gives him a tougher body to survive against the demons. His strength is heightened drastically, as is his speed and reflexes. Also his senses are strengthened considerably and he grows horns and wings."

"So Devilkyon can fly?" Miss Asahina squealed.

"No, but Debirukyon can fly."

Okay, seriously Koizumi. I've just about had enough of you. I swear if you play that damn Debirukyon gag again I will strangle you!

I was tempted to say that to his face, but you see we were all distracted by pounding footsteps coming from down the hall outside. All eyes turned to the door in unwanted anticipation for the certain someone to walk through the door. Guess who? That's right, its-

"Hi guys, nyoron!"

Oh, its just Tsuruya. Well that's a relief. I'm not quite ready to face Haruhi yet.

The bubbly girl with a flowing cape of straight green hair stared at us all with a frown. A frown that still looked like a smile. "Whoa, you all look megas tense! What happened?"

Nothing, we just thought Haruhi was going to storm in here and say something loud quite loudly.

Tsuruya glanced down at me with a half smile, "Aw you were waiting for her! That's so sweet of you Kyon nyoron!" That should have made me angry but the rhyme was kind of amusing and I forgot why I was angry if only for a few fractions of a second.

I pushed aside my frustration and decided to get to the point to save some time. Not that I really needed to save time, but an extended conversation with Tsuruya tends to leave you feeling like you've just run a marathon. Her hyperactive energy seems to drain away from those around her somehow, but I guess Haruhi is the same.

So anyway since nobody was going to ask the burning question I decided to do so. "So, what brings you to the club room?"

"Oh nothing really, I just wanted to see Haruhi! You see I got these coupons from my new job! It's like a megas cool noodle cafe nyoron! Anyway I wanted to give some to her, is she here?" Tsuruya managed to fit all of that into only a few seconds, God knows how.

"Sorry, but Haruhi isn't here today. She's been absent all day. I can give them to her if you want."

"Ooh smooth move mister! Trying to crack onto Haruhi are you? Well good luck!" Now she could have just easily handed them over slowly but her movements were so fast that I couldn't even blink in the time it took her to throw the coupons at me. I knew she was energetic but jeez! Then before I could thank her she had disappeared out into the hall and vanished, though her laughter seemed to echo throughout the entire school.

I turned back to the scattered members of our meaningless little Brigade and realised they were all staring at me, all of them with weird looks on their faces.

What?

…

Later that night I took my crappy old bike out for a spin. I hadn't heard from Haruhi at all. Was she alright? Wait what am I saying? Why am I worrying about _her? _Especially after what she did!Anyway she's supposed to be some sort of god or something. I'm sure she's fine.

Still...If she becomes sick or depressed then many problems will abound. So in a way I'm doing the world a service. That's right! I'm going to save the world!

With coupons to a noodle cafe...Exciting isn't it?

And so I heroically cycled over to Haruhi's house. I found the place easily enough thanks to Nagato's directions. They were printed (Quite literally) on a crisp little sheet of paper. I needed them since I'd never even seen Haruhi's house before but for some reason everyone else in our sad little brigade had. Well they are all spying on her so I guess that checks out.

It was a decent looking place. Not the fanciest house in the world but still nice. I was rather surprised actually. I thought Haruhi's house would look strange in some way, instantly recognisable from all the normal people living around her. I was expecting something but all I saw was a plain old house. Oh well. At least it doesn't outwardly appear to be an amusement park house of horrors. Inside however will probably be a different story. I wouldn't be surprised if she collected shrunken heads or voodoo dolls or something else no normal human would want to have stored away in her home. Or perhaps she has entire walls covered in newspaper clippings about alien sightings, but not a single mention of Nagato anywhere.

There was only one way to find out.

I knocked loudly, the rattling of my knuckles against the heavy oak door creating an echo across the small, tidy garden. It took a while but eventually there was a definitive scraping of feet from the other side of the door. The locks grated and creaked before the door swung open and I was greeted by a familiar face.

Haruhi stared at me with cloudy eyes, only half open. The sight of a subdued Haruhi is oddly fascinating and I stood there like a complete and utter fool marvelling in this unseen persona of hers. As usual she glared and grumbled off to one side, "Idiot."

Her voice snapped me awake and I looked around in a daze for a moment before fishing through my pockets in search for the coupons.

"Oh, yeah I came over because Tsuruya wanted to give you these." I handed them to her and ever so slowly her hand snaked out from under the oversized sweater she wore to snatch the coupons. She eyed them curiously and then glanced back up at me.

"If Tsuruya wanted to give them to me then why are you here?"

Fine then I'll just leave. Last time I ever do something nice for you- wait a minute...I think Haruhi smiled. It was faint, not as faint as Nagato's momentary lapses of emotion, but it was a barely distinguishable curve in her lips. I guess she was too weak to flash one of those beaming 'I've got a brilliant idea' smiles, but that's ok. She's a lot cuter when she acts all reserved like that.

"Come in," she muttered, lazily gesturing for me to step inside although it just looked like her arm went limp and flopped down by her side. And with that, I crossed the line of no return.

I entered Haruhi's lair...Needless to say I felt chills.

...

Okay I over-reacted. There wasn't really any need to panic. Her house was surprisingly regular. There was just an ordinary set-up for the furniture. There were no scrawled messages about aliens or implements of black magic or anything out of the ordinary.

My jaw hung open in surprise and Haruhi pouted.

"What? Something wrong with my house?"

"No it's just...Fine..." I murmured uncertainly.

"Then why the stupid face?"

"No reason." I didn't really want to get into a heated debate about why I was stunned at the total lack of weirdness in Haruhi's home so I ended things there. Haruhi seemed a little disappointed that she wouldn't be able to argue further. It seemed being pent up inside and having no-one to yell at must have been frustrating for her. A sweet mental image of her arguing with the walls merely for the sake of hearing her own voice crossed my mind and a weak, scathing laugh escaped me.

I felt a burning glare upon me and sighed. Just forget about it.

"So...The SOS Brigade was missing it's leader today. We were like lost little lambs without you. Why didn't you come to school?" If only you knew how thick I was laying on my forced charm, It didn't really do me any favours but at the very least after a short staring competition Haruhi decided to dignify the last few words with a response.

"I'm not feeling too well. Ever since," she hesitated then, the words stuck on the tip of her tongue but afraid to roll off. With a deep groan she whispered, "what happened yesterday..."

"Yesterday? You mean at the pool?" I asked playing dumb.

"Yeah. I can't remember much but I've been having these strange nightmares about the pool. Visions of this creepy demonic tree that-"

"Demonic trees? That's odd. But I'm pretty sure there were no demonic trees at the pool yesterday!" I cut her off before she thought too hard on this. Haruhi has already caused enough trouble bringing these damn demons onto the earth in the first place. The last thing I want is for her to become aware of that fact. God knows what would happen then.

"So," I decided to change the subject fast, lest Haruhi have a surprise revelation, "you feeling any better? You don't want to miss out on too much school or you will get behind."

She just stared at me like I'd farted so hard that my pants had torn. "Are you serious? You might get behind but I could catch up a weeks worth of work in ten minutes." Damn you and your overconfidence. But then again she _does _have book smarts. She has a sharp intellect behind that childish mask. She does have a functioning brain. She just lacks the common sense to use it.

Feeling slightly insulted by her remarks I felt like scolding her but seriously Haruhi looked ill. Her eyes were drooping as we spoke and her body was sagging like a puppet whose strings were breaking.

"Are we done here? I'm going to go take a bath." Haruhi stood on wobbling legs and stumbled towards the door. She tripped and I managed to catch her in time, but my chivalry was met with a stomp on my toes. "Don't try and take advantage of me just because I'm feeling sick!" she snarled. It seemed she still misread every gesture of kindness from people (Oh who am I kidding, just _me_) even when she wasn't well. At least even in her weakened state she was still the same old Haruhi. Actually on second thought that might be worse...

Haruhi ignored me and headed into the bathroom. She didn't say a word to me but when I heard taps running I realised it was time to leave. I made my own way out, leaving the coupons on the large table in the centre of the living room. I called out to her and said goodbye but I received no reply from her. Stubborn as ever I see.

There was nothing left for me to do but leave and as soon as I stepped out into the cool breeze I realised something. Why did I just go to Haruhi's house? Why did I offer to take those coupons to her in the first place? What the hell was I doing?

Such was the depth of my philosophical questioning that I didn't notice a blurred figure approaching me. There were words being spoken, well not so much spoken, more yelled from a short distance. The words were just sounds and nothing more as I absent-mindedly bumped into whoever it was that had been approaching me

"Heya Kyon, what's wrong? You look upset Nyoron~."

Guess who? That's right, it was Koizumi! Moron. Do I really need to explain who it was? Are you that- Oh whatever, it was Tsuruya! There! Are you happy now?

Moving on...

"Oh, hi Miss Tsuruya. I was just...Thinking."

"She's still not feeling well is she? Well no problem, I'm heading over there right now!"

"Huh? I wouldn't go there if I were you."

"Why?" Tsuruya's expression reminded me of Haruhi's whenever I try and lecture her for doing something wrong.

"Well she's in the bath at the moment..."

"Ooh, steamy encounters huh? Don't worry your secret is safe with me!" The green-haired girl burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. Just what in the world did she think was going on between me and Haruhi? In fact scratch that thought. I'm scared to ask. Well even if I wanted to I would be waiting for a good hour before she stopped laughing to give a response.

The laughter suddenly cut out, like a movie when a black-out strikes. I glanced up at the girl who was suddenly giving me a serious look. Her mood had shifted so suddenly it almost felt like a different person was standing there now.

With her lips pursed and her stare penetrating, Tsuruya spoke, "Mikuru told me about what happened. I know what happened yesterday."

You do? Why did Mikuru tell you?

"She was acting megas strange so I asked her what was wrong. She tried to keep her secret but you know Mikuru." Yeah, I do. I'm glad I do. Hang on where am I?

"Well, just don't tell Haruhi. If she finds out things will just get complicated. So please don't set her off, alright?" I was practically begging her. The only way to make me look more pathetic would be if I was on my hands and knees, grovelling to her.

"Don't worry, I won't tell her anything nyoron~!"

"Ok, I should get going. Also don't interrupt Haruhi while she's in the bath. She really needs a bit of rest so-"

"I don't mind waiting for her, thanks for the heads up Kyon nyoron~!" With that she waved to me and skipped off. I couldn't help but watch her leave, dumbfounded. Where does her energy come from? Haruhi isn't an ordinary human so her boundless supply of fuel is understandable, but Tsuruya is just a normal girl and yet she has the hyperactive spark to match that of Haruhi if not exceed it.

Once again, having a conversation with her seemed to sap away at my own reserves. It felt like I was drunk (An experience I unfortunately know all too well) as I staggered through the brightly lit streets. The lights didn't help though because I still bumped into another figure. God what is wrong with me? And why don't other people watch where they are going too? I'm not the only one at fault here.

That's right you should have watched where you were going-

Nagato?

Her round little face tilted upwards about 10 degrees. Her glazed marble eyes pierced my weak stare and caused me to back away from her, well that and I was kind of standing on her toes.

"Nagato, what are you doing all the way out here?"

The silent little alien pointed behind me and said in a voice as cold as ice, "Tsuruya."

"Hmm? What about her? Did you want to talk to her about something?"

"No." She was rather quick to deny that. If Tsuruya was here right now she would probably be offended by that. But never mind that, Nagato must have a good reason, she always does, right? She's the only person in this weird little adventure who has any idea what is going on. It has always been that way, no matter what happens Nagato is always there to lead us back home.

So, Nagato, why do you want to see Tsuruya so urgently that you would follow her to Haruhi's house?

"Demon."

I ran. I didn't need to hear any more. Suddenly it all made sense. Tsuruya's unnatural energy, the way she seems to drain you when she's around. Her verbal ticks, okay maybe that wasn't really related but it was worth mentioning anyway. I had to think of something while I ran back to Haruhi's house.

I thought I was running really fast but Nagato managed to slip past me with ease, sprinting at the speed of a car on a speedway. I struggled to catch up and when we arrived at the house Nagato was perfectly fine, not a drop of sweat on her body. Meanwhile I was hunched over, panting like an overworked dog and on the verge of collapse.

We burst into the living room and found it empty. We continued on towards the bathroom when-

"SCREEEEEEEEEE!"

The shrill piercing scream brought me to my knees but Nagato strode past and wrenched the door off of it's hinges. I crawled in behind her, regardless of the possibility that Haruhi might be dressed in her birthday suit.

And indeed she was. Haruhi, as naked as the day she was born, was hanging limply over the curved lip of an obscenely large beak. Yes your read that right, a beak. A bird beak! A great towering bird stood before us, with a white plumage on its front and long dark green feathers on the back and wings. It looked like no other bird I had ever seen, but I guess the closest thing to it would be a crane.

"Haruhi!" I cried

"Tsuruya." Nagato explained in detail.

Tsuruya the demon crane cocked her head at us and laughed, almost spitting out the unconscious Haruhi in the process, "Hiya guys! I guess you found me huh? Well too bad because it's too late now nyoron~!"

Just like a duck, the demoniacally possessed poultry lifted its head up and swallowed Haruhi whole. She then tilted her over-sized head down at us and smiled. Yes birds shouldn't be able to smile but it appeared this birdy had some fangs. Not only that her eyes were red, not the dull pinkish colour you get when you are sick, I mean red like a traffic light, red like blood!

As I stared at the beast only one thought crossed my mind.

_I am Devilkyon and I kill demons!_

And since Koizumi wasn't around...

_No, I am Debirukyon and I kill demons!_

* * *

><p><strong>AM: Um...Hello. *waves awkwardly*<strong>

**Kyon: Who the Hell are you? **

**AM: I'm the guest-**

**Kyon: Where's the other guy?**

**AM: I think he's-**

**Kyon: Is he bored with me now? Is that it? Make me the arse cushion for this stupid story and then pass me off to the next person! Am I just a toy to you people?**

**AM: You people?**

**Kyon: Well screw you all! I'm sick of this! **

**AM: But it's not all bad right? You saw Haruhi naked.**

**Kyon: True...But I'm still pissed off! I have to fight a freaking crane in the next chapter! I want to quit!**

**AM: Aw that's a shame because Mikuru was really impressed when she heard you fought demons. *grins with malicious glee***

**Kyon: She...She was wasn't she?**

**AM: Yeah she was! So, what are you gonna do?**

**Kyon: I guess I should kill some demons.**

**AM: Louder.**

**Kyon: I'm going to kill some demons!**

**AM: LOUDER!**

**Kyon: I'M GONNA KILL SOME F***ING DEMONS!**

***banging on wall***

**Unknown: You kids shut up in there! Some people are trying to sleep!**

**AM: *whispers* So...uh, kill demons. Got it?**

**Kyon: Got it.**

**AM: Alright I'm off. Have fun with the other guy. **

**Kyon: No wait I-**

**TM: *stumbles in carrying a suitcase* I'm back!**

**Kyon: Oh for fucks sake not him again...**

**TM: Hey! *******Quickly turns head back and forth******* did- did you leave the door unlocked while I was gone? I told you not to let my brother in the house!**

**Kyon: But you told him to write this stupid chapter for you.**

**TM: *******Pinches bridge of nose* alright what has he done now? *Scrolls through fanfic* Why, why this is better than my own stuff. That son-of-a-bitch hijacked my own story!****

****Kyon: But he told me when he came in that he was writing this one for-****

****TM: SHUT UP KYON! It doesn't matter what I said before I left, I'm always right.****

****Kyon: *Mumbles* Ass****

****TM: Well anyway I guess Alex can take the credit for writing this whole chapter for now. But the next chapter should be far more entertaining and hilariously epic when I return to the keyboard. So make sure you definitely absolutely positively not miss the next chapter of ******_**The Melancholy of Debirukyon**_**


	7. Demon Crane Part I

**Chapter 1.5**

I have to double-check before I unleash my power: now I just have to peel back my mind for a moment and actually comprehend what is actually standing in front of me.

Okay (take a huge breath):

Tsuruya...

Is...

A...

Demon.

NO WAIT! Tsuruya of all people turns out to be a freaking demon? I mean come on, is someone playing me for a complete fool again? Dammit Haruhi was this your doing? I suppose I could ask her if she wasn't unconscious and kind of swimming around in Tsuruya's stomach juices.

But seriously, when the hell did Tsuruya decide to become a demon? I mean I know she's a bit wacky, but so is Haruhi and she's just a normal girl right (no wait I take that back – okay fine I suppose it makes sense that Tsuruya would be a demon then).

Okay so I'll accept you're a demon Tsuruya – but for crying out loud, why the hell does she have to be a giant crane demon? I mean that's the least scary or threatening image of a demon I could possibly imagine. She may as well have been a kitten demon or a puppy demon (no they're actually kinda cute at best, but a freaking crane is just comical at best).

Was Yuki just laughing then? No wait! I think that was just the draught pushing her lips up a little (what a strong draught eh?). No I think Yuki's lips are moving because she actually wants to say something.

"Sirenyoron, let go of Haruhi." Yuki calls out to the – wait 'Sirenyoron'? Is that her demon name? Okay now I should be packing my bags and going home at this point, this is just too ridiculous to be taken seriously. I mean what the hell happens in that Devilman movie anyway? I should probably watch the movie and find out how this fight goes down. I'm guessing that I have to win because I'm the main character.

Dammit Haruhi why'd you have to get yourself eaten by Tsuruya. Now I'm actually going to have to save you like a gentleman!

"I'm afraid I can't nyoron~!" Tsuru- I mean Sirenyoron answers. "Because she's just too delicious nyoron~!"

"Hey Tsuruya, just spit Haruhi out okay." I try to reason with her whilst I still try and maintain my human form. I wonder how long it takes for a demon's stomach to digest a human – let alone a God like Haruhi Suzumiya (I suppose she would be full off essential nutrients)?

"HOHOHO!" The evil crane laughs. "It's too late for her, now nyoron~! Which one of you shall I consume next nyoron~!"

Then it awakens. I can no longer stand by and actually let something terrible happen to that annoying SOS leader. But before I can unleash my Devilkyoness into the demon crane.

Yuki blazes into her with her fist charging. It almost seems like a slow motion action sequence from a cheesy Hollywood movie. The epic punch from Mr Hero as he begins the final battle on top of a skyscraper (I dunno, I don't watch enough movies to make an appropriate comparison). Anyway the alien's tiny fist of fury crashes into Tsuruya's large gut, almost sinking into the belly as if it were a giant marshmallow. But then the force hits Tsuruya as she is flung across the room and smashing through the bathroom walls and a few other walls until she lands outside the house.

"Miss Nagato..." I'm almost speechless at that point as I look down at the little alien girl. "That was awesome."

The cute little alien lifts her head up and shifts a few more of those mouth muscles into words. "Yes. It was."

Damn...I think I'm putting my money on Miss Nagato for this one.

"GEGH! Hehe...You think a mere punch will stop me nyoron~!" And maybe Tsuruya should've kept her arrogance inside her giant crane like head for that moment as Yuki launched herself off the floor like a rocket, flying into the Demon Crane again. I think Yuki may be the real demon here at this point, nobody can move as fast or pack as powerful a punch as that little bruiser from a galaxy far-far away.

"Ugh! Take This Nyoron!" Tsuruya was clearly getting pissed at that point. She let out a high pitched squeal which would have surely woken the neighbours and maybe burst a few eardrums too.

"AH! It hurts!" I have to cover my wing-shaped ears as the She-devil echoes her song of despair.

Yuki seems to have taken a nasty effect from the scream. It seems her body won't move anymore, in fact, it's frozen, almost like she's been hit with a pause button or something. Dammit, Sirenyoron's (I think I got the name right) screams must be at a frequency which jams Yuki's data entity reception thingy (wait I thought she was an alien not a robot!).

"HOHOHO! Nyoron~! Now I'll take care of you Debiru-kyon!" great now she uses the stupid name as well...

"HUAAARRGH!" I power up until I'm fully transformed. "I'll stop you Sirenyoron!" And I find myself barging into her fat bird-like body.

"Oww Kyon that hurts Nyoron~!"

"Oh sorry...I didn't mean to- Hey wait a minute!" I see through her trickery and pound my clawed fists into her feathered body. However, it seems like I'm just beating a pillow.

"Haruhi will be turning into a liquid pulp at this point." She mocks me. I decide punching isn't going to get anywhere, so I remembered why I have claws for. "Hey stop that!" She protests as I being digging into her flesh, scouring her five intestines, three stomachs and one and a half hearts (yeah one AND a freaking half just for extra measure!). Then I find the God nestling in a membrane sac just above one of the deadly acidic stomachs. I tear into the membrane like plastic wrapping. Thankfully she hasn't been placed in the stomach yet but just some sort of pre-stomach oesophagus uterus organ.

Haruhi coughs like a sick child as I jump back inside and gently carry her over to the lounge in the living room. Her body coiled up like a puppy seeking warmth, the naked, saliva covered God resumes her peaceful slumber as I resume my bloodbath with the Devil Crane.

As I go back outside, I'm somewhat glad Haruhi is unconscious, afterall I really don't want her to see any of this.

I am Devilkyon, and I'm about to mess up a Demon Crane...

* * *

><p><strong>Kyon: Lame...<strong>

**TM: Oh what are you whining about now?**

**Kyon: I prefered your brother's writing, I can tell this is your crappy style.**

**TM: *bundles fists* Take that back you worthelss excuse for a first-perspective-character!**

**Kyon: Why should I? You drag me into this ridiculous fanfic and expect me to kiss your feet at every beck-and-call. You know there's only one person I do that for...**

**TM: *lifts eyebrows* And would you like to remind our readers who that is again?**

**Kyon: *takes a huge sigh* Miss Suzumiya.**

**TM: HAHAHA that's right, you're Haruhi's bitch okay!**

**Kyon: Grrr...**

**TM: So it looks like an epic battle is about to come up. Debirukyon versus The Demon Crane, Sirenyoron...Who will win? Find out in the next epic, Nyoron-filled chappy**

**Kyon: I'm calling your brother anyway. I want to move out.**

**TM: Fine, see if I care...*Quietly sobs when back is turned*.**


	8. Demon Crane Part II

**Chapter 64**

"Urk! Oh god nyoron! It hurts nyoron!-!" The Devil Crane screeches as she rolls about on the ground carelessly spilling her entrails and an impossibly large amount of blood on the ground. I can't help but think that I'm not old enough for this kind of violence. Surely I should have a parent accompanying me or something right? Actually no I'm glad there isn't a parent with me because this is really embarrassing. But whatever, it's time for me to be a hero so I might as well bask in the spotlight for a while.

Not too long though, I've got school tomorrow.

I am Devilkyon and I'm about to take on my greatest challenge yet; Sirenyoron. She's twice as fast, twice as deadly and...Twice the nyoron...

God this is so stupid.

"Alright Sirenyoron," I wince at my own words, "It's time to finish this!"

It should be easy. She's thrashing about on the ground like a headless chicken (or crane, technically) and she's just about dead. There's more organs on or around her than in her so it should be just about over. I just got to deliver a quick little punch and this whole mess (literal and figurative here) can be forgotten.

Well here goes nothing then I suppose. The ground is slippery from Sirenyoron's little accident and it seems even devils don't have perfect balance. Having fallen into a puddle of foul-smelling blood the colour of Worcestershire sauce and embarrassing myself further now I really want to make that bitch pay! Oh yeah and also because she tried to eat Haruhi. That's another reason I guess...

"OW NYORON!" she cries, her freakishly long neck swirling around in weird shapes like a curly straw.

It is pretty sad, but mainly because I have to put down a gigantic duck- sorry, a crane. Why am I the one who is supposed to do this sort of crap? I can already hear Koizumi chatting away inside my head but I just tune out. I have more important things to worry about.

It's time to play dress-up! And I'm the veterinarian.

"Alright Sirenyoron, clearly it's over. Just let me finish you off and we can all go home. Well not _you _obviously but...Well you get what I'm saying so-"

"Mega no!-!-!"

I don't think she agreed. It might be because she said no or maybe because she dealt out the ultimate bitch-slap with a huge wing. I can feel myself flying, then crashing, then moaning. Damn that hurt!

Well fine, two can play at that game!

I take a leap of faith and land beside the bitch-crane and bury my fist deep into her gut, that's right, the huge gaping hole that smells worse than raw sewerage. My fingers dig around and find something soft and squishy and so I yank it out, disappointed to only have removed one of her kidneys. Well I guess if I take away all of them she can get a bladder infection and die within a couple of days?

But I don't have days, especially when a giant crane is trying to kill me. I manage to leap out of the way of one big clawed foot but since I'm no hero type I completely ignore everything else around me and land in the palm of her hand (Well, it's a wing but...You get it don't you?)

"Ha ha ha ha nyoron! I've megas got you now!"

She slams me into the dirt so hard I break through the thick tarmac of the road and smash into a water pipe. It doesn't burst but I can see the imprint of my hideous demonic face as if it were play-doh. I writhe about helplessly but Sirenyoron has got me held tight in her grasp which is surprising when she doesn't even have fingers! Without the use of my hands I resort to plan B and bury my fangs into the fleshy webbing under the feathers. She screams in a pitch so high it smashes the windows of the nearby buildings and in a fit of rage throws me into the side of Haruhi's house. I bounce off the wall and hit the ground face first, feeling blood pouring from my broken nose and some teeth wriggling loose. I spit them out and curse though it seems to have given me a slight lisp. As if this couldn't get any _more _embarrassing!

But shame is the least of my worries now. I'm getting my ass kicked! It's time to kick it up a notch! Or at least pretend to...

I charge towards her, a fist drawn back and ready to pulverise the rest of the pot luck prize pool of innards left inside of her but the demon crane leaps up into the air and flaps her wings, creating a fierce gust that hurls me into a wooden fence which collapses under the impact. I spit up blood and glare at Sirenyoron.

It seems I need wings for this one. I don't suppose anyone has some Red Bull? Oh screw it. I scrunch up my face and make strange constipated groaning noises and thankfully it works the way I wished. The bony black lumps on my back take form and congeal into great black bat wings. Even I'm slightly impressed and flap them a few times just to humour myself. But now it's serious time!

"Alright Sirenyoron! I've just about had enough of you! It's over now!" I get a good run-up and then jump, taking off at a speed I can't control. All I can do is aim for the stunned demon bird and crash into her at full speed. I feel my own bones cracking but the gratifying screams from the monster are satisfying enough.

The two of us tumble about in the sky but soon regain our bearings and fly off. Sirenyoron is more suited to flying than me, plus she has self control so she managed to take the lead but I give chase as best I can. When I finally catch up to her I spear tackle big bird into the side of a skyscraper and end up throwing her out the opposite side.

As she plummets her beak opens wide and a bright blast of energy shoots out. I try to dodge, but completely overlook my wings. My left wing is blown to pieces, with only a stubby stump lets behind. I'm not built for flying either so I wheel out of control squealing and crying like a little girl. I curl my other wing around and manage to steady myself just enough to lead myself towards the office building again. When I reach it I push off and propel myself with my feet and the momentum instead, only using my wing for balance and steering.

Sirenyoron flees and I have to kick off a couple more buildings to catch up, but by then she sees through my plan and heads for the mountains. Damn her! I guess Tsuruya was always a clever one.

Without any way of pushing myself off I take a risk and flap my wing, throwing myself forward in no real direction. I throw myself into a tree but managed to kick off from the thick trunk, inadvertently uprooting the tree in the process. Damn, I'm strong!

Sirenyoron sees me coming and twirls around to face me. She smiles with her creepy toothy beak and cackles like a madwoman as I approach. I can't stop myself, it's too late to turn back. I just have

to keep on going and hope for the best. Just like everything Haruhi drags me into.

We collide.

The only cries I hear are my own.

Pain floods through me. Agonising, excruciating pain. It hurts to breath, it hurts to move, it just hurts in general. I glance down and gasp. I'm impaled on her beak!

Sirenyoron snarls and tries to open her mouth, pushing my flesh around and creating a bigger, deeper wound. I roar in agony and beat my fists against the top of her skull but she won't let up. I can't see straight anymore. I can't breathe properly. Blood spills out from everywhere, all over me. The pain brings black blotches into my vision and my mind fades in and out like a TV channel with bad reception.

I can't...I can't die! I'm the main character aren't I?

"T-That's it..." It hurt so damn much to speak but this is my spotlight and I'm gonna take it! "It's time...To put this birdy down!"

I unfurl my one remaining wing and flap wildly, flying up and curving around and then swooping down in a half circle. My twisted figure eight snaps Sirenyoron's neck and her eyes begin to go blank but I can tell she isn't dead yet. The muscles around her cheeks tense as she tried to open her beak but I sure as Hell won't let that happen! I bunch a fist and raise it high, taking a deep laboured breath before pounding it against the top of her skull. My fist sinks through and I feel mushy grey matter between my fingers. At last Sirenyoron gives a final convulsive death throe and collapses. As her head droops I push myself off of her curved beak and drop down to the ground but I hit far too hard and the black splotches get bigger and bigger.

Each blink leaves my eyes closed for longer and longer. My eyelids are heavy. I can't move my arms of legs anymore. My head is spinning. Is this how the movie is supposed to end? I can't die! I'm the main character!

I feel rain upon my face, can hear the pitter patter of raindrops on the grass around me. But there is something else too. A silence I can hear. I silence I can sense. That welcome silence that balances out Haruhi's lack of an inside voice.

"..."

I pry my eyes open one last time and meet the cold inquisitive stare of Yuki Nagato.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Kyon: You asshole!<strong>**

****AM: What?****

****Kyon: That fucking hurt!****

****AM: I'm sorry, it's just-****

****Kyon: I stood up for you! I said you were the better one and this is how you repay me? You're a bastard!****

****AM: I said I'm sorry...****

**Kyon: Oh yeah? Well how about you say sorry to my kidney? It's still in Tsuruya's mouth!**

**AM: Sirenyoron...**

**Kyon: What?**

**AM: It's just...Well in her demon form her name is Sirenyoron, not Tsuruya.**

**Kyon: ...**

**AM: Well you know...It was in the script and...**

**Kyon: ...**

**AM: ...**

**Kyon: I want the other guy back. Besides, he's the original writer for Devilkyon anyway.**

**AM: No he's the original writer for Debirukyon.**

**Kyon: GET OUT!**

**TM {Somewhere far away...}: Geez I've been dealing with a bunch of Gary Stus and a dead then undead-fic for the last few months. I hope _he _hasn't been writing my story again while I'm away!  
><strong>


	9. The Melancholy of Debirukyon Part III

**Chapter 9 (And yes that's the right number!)**

My head feels like it's been run over by a steamroller, then walked over by an angry SOS Brigade leader. My stomach is killing me as well. Just what the hell was I doing to end up like this? Wait, don't tell me Haruhi decided this time _she _would make the Clubroom tea?

I rub my eyes and open them to find myself in a familiar apartment room with a glass wall overlooking the city.

And as I had already surmised. There was the little purple haired pumpkin sitting very worriedly (I mean her lips were angled downwards a whole millimetre!) by my mattress.

"Did you bring me here?"

She answers with a very loud nod.

"What did I-Urk." Then I double forward, clutching a large tourniquet dressing around my stomach. "Christ, I feel like someone's ripped all my organs out."

"Your liver is waiting in the refrigerator." Yuki said- Wait- WHAT! My Liver! I'm pretty sure we learned in Phys-Ed. that we need those to live!

"Here." But let's just forget about a trivial missing organ for now right? Yuki slides something towards me on the floor. It's a small object; a case with a tacky picture on the front.

"What's this?" I say, holding the case in my dry fingers.

"Watch it." She commands me with the most urgency possible for her.

"What for?" I find myself arguing with the ultra-intelligent extraterrestrial data thought-processing entity.

"You must watch it." She answers with the same command. "It will explain everything."

Gee...I'm kind of feeling a bit worried now. So this video must hold some answers behind why I've become a half-demon demon hunter. Or perhaps it might explain why everything Haruhi thinks too hardly of ends up nearly destroying the entire universe.

You know, I think I feel alright now. Perhaps I'll go home.

"You can stay here tonight." Yuki snapped her gaze away for a moment, looking down at her socks as though she were inviting them to sleep over. Hey wait a minute!

"Hey wait a minute!" I stammer out loud, nearly opening up my stomach wounds again. "I don't want to be a bother, I can go back home and res-"

"I insist." Her words are like hot coals, burning my throat and silencing any possible rebuttal. Plus I think I may be putting on a bad macho act – my stomach is really killing me at the moment.

Looks like I'm sleeping under Yuki's roof tonight.

"Goodnight." The little humanoid computer thingy blinked her eyes once, triggering all the lights to switch off like some sort of extreme sensor switch or something. I'll have to remind my mum to get me one of those for X-mas now.

"O-kay...'Night." I pull the sheets towards my face defensively. But I may not need to worry, Yuki seems to want to protect me.

In fact, she won't go away.

In fact, she hasn't moved from my bedside for over half and hour.

In fact she hasn't moved or blinked since she declared the Sandman's arrival.

Has she even breathed? Her eyes are just glistening like shiny glass orbs against the moonlit window. Her lens-like eyes just keep their gaze fixated on my own, watching me constantly like a surveillance camera.

This would probably be really creepy if Yuki didn't look so cute right now...

Well I guess I'll try and ignore it and enter the wonderful world of REM-sleep...

…

Fire!

Pitchforks!

Roars, explosions and screams.

An endless wave of angry eyes walk towards me. The entire mob has become more like one giant anthropomorphous body – a huge shadow of hundreds upon thousands of swaying heads and waving arms. Rows of red, hatred-filled eyes glaring in one direction like a sequence of floodlights. Apart from the red of their eyes and the fuelling orange flames, the only other colour emitted by the raging mob is the white of their teeth, chattering and snarling like angry hounds waiting to maul their prey.

Now comes the great irony...

They call out to me with, "There's the Demon! Kill the Demon!"

But I thought I was Devlkyon, the supposed kind hearted half-human half-Demon who hunts the evil Demons. So what are these people doing wanting my head all of a sudden?

I have no more time to work that out as they throw their torches towards me, engulfing my body in searing hot flames. I don't even have the pleasure of screaming as the flames engulf my mouth and melt away my throat. The pain is nothing I could have ever comprehended, how do you feel after having your skin turning into liquid before your very eyes? Speaking of which...I feel those white little viewing boxes turning filling up my sockets with gooey white soup. My hair is singed away, leaving only muscle fat and finally bone to wash away in the giant inferno. I cannot see, nor can I scream, or even hear anymore...

Soon the pain disappears and my world becomes completely black.

…

"WHAAGGH!" I jump out of bed again in a start. When I see Yuki by my side, I realise it was all just a horrible dream.

She doesn't seem to have moved from her seated position all night. But I don't remember that plate of bacon and eggs lying on her lap before.

"Eat." She says with a warm neutralness, sliding the plate of breakfast towards me.

"Oh did you make this?" I say in my pathetic attempt of light banter, stating the obvious. "Well, thanks for the food." I politely consume the wonderfully made bacon and fried eggs, filling up those empty spaces in my eviscerated gut.

"Drink." Yuki now hands over a hot beverage, enough to wake anyone who's just experienced dying in a sea of flames. I think I'm starting to get used to some of Yuki's pampering.

"Put these on." She seems to summon my school uniform out of some sort of Hammer-space. My shirt and pants are all neatly folded and ironed and ready to slip on. But maybe I should have some more time to finish this coffee and breakfast first.

"Let's go." She gets off her knees and walks towards the door.

"Hang on Nagato." I take a large gulp of my coffee and set it down. "Don't you think it might have been better to stay with Haruhi rather than myself?"

Yuki almost looks like she won't answer before she blinks twice and moves her lips to form words. "Miss Suzumiya suffered no internal or external wounds from last night. Her mental capacity has restored by 45.6 percent since last night."

Miss Nagato...We ordinary humans like to say, 'they're feeling a little better now.'

"I kinda feel bad for Tsuruya." I switch the topic as I slip a sleeve of my school shirt over my sore body. "I won't be surprised if she skips class today...and maybe tomorrow as well."

We kept talking about other stuff for while I went into the adjacent room to change into my trousers...Well most of the conversation was one-way traffic anyway...But most of the departure from the apartment complex was relatively eventless.

But soon I began to notice something just a little bit peculiar on my way to school.

A military armoured car drove down the steep hill road of our trip. But that wasn't what struck me as odd. It was the uniforms of the soldiers hanging off the vehicle in their dozen; completely covered in white Hazmat suits and gas masks. Did somebody spill a deadly virus in some college lab? Was there a bio-terrorism attack somewhere? I don't normally catch the TV news so I'm not one you can rely on for the day-to-day happenings in Japan. Seriously I wouldn't even know if the world was going through an Apocalypse until the last minute.

Just before we reach the crest of the hill leading to our high school, Yuki makes physical contact with my body – a very sudden and mechanical impulse. "Stop." She breathes out the one-word command. I feel compelled to ask her why until.

"WHAH HEY!" Like some sort of freakish human rocket, Yuki launches the two of us into the sky, reaching a height legally defined as having deadly consequences for humans with bones and at least 95 percent of their organs. We hover around the air for a while, looking over the entire town, but our trajectory is focused on the school roof.

We begin our descent, the wonderful mistress named gravity takes my other hand and guides us down. "AGGHH!"

Yuki thrusts some more of her rocket fuel from the base of her feet just as we're about to hit the ground, lifting us slightly as we gently drop our feet onto earth's lithosphere once more.

Okay Yuki, please give me a written notification in at least five minutes advance before you do something like that again...

"Over there." Yuki lifts an arm and points over the edge of the roof overlooking the front entrance. With my feet securely on the ground again, I stroll over to the railing and lean over towards the front courtyard.

Nothing out of the ordinary; just a bunch of our fellow schoolmates filing through the front gate after undergoing a quick inspection by a few suited men at the gate.

Yeah, I don't see what Yuki's trying to- HEY WAIT _THOSE_ GUYS ARE AT OUR SCHOOL GATE!-?

Now you should know by now that whenever Miss Nagato speaks, it is usually only to state something important or brief to the point. But perhaps she could have used a more sensitive way of getting to the blunt truth this time when I hear her voice behind my shoulder. "It has begun. The Demon Apocalypse."

* * *

><p><strong>TM: 'Bout frigging time too.<strong>

**Kyon: Excuse me?**

**TM: I mean we've spent eight chapters trying to get to the good part of the story.**

**Kyon: I'm sorry, I fail to understand what's so good about a Demon Apocalypse.**

**TM: Well maybe not for you but for our readers at least...**

**Kyon: You never stopped to think about me when setting this up did you?**

**TM: Is that even a question that needs answering?**

**Kyon: I think I need a lawyer.**

**TM: Well folks while Kyon's being a whining little bitch, I hope you're all looking forward to the next chapter as the drama behind the Devilman movie's consequences unfold. Can Debirukyon save us all from an impending Apocalypse? And I might even go so far as to ask...Do we even _want_ Debirukyon to save us from an impending Apocalypse?  
><strong>

**Kyon: You're really not helping your own cause right now you know...  
><strong>


	10. Apocalypse of Debirukyon Part I

**Chapter 666  
><strong>

Now you may not have heard the news lately but apparently the Demon Apocalypse has begun. I know because Yuki told me just now.

Now I find myself back in the clubroom with a very melancholy Miss Suzumiya and a cosplaying waitress who is just up to her usual nervous, tea-making self.

But somebody's missing from our little gang of weirdos. That's right, the wonderful Esper named Koizumi seems to have fallen ill today or found himself in some sort of misadventure. But from the look on everyone else's face, I don't think the last place anybody would wanna be in the face of a possible Demon Apocalypse is in school.

But here we are, fulfilling Haruhi's duty in order to maintain some sanity in this world she created.

But seriously Haruhi why don't you try cheering up? You're acting way out of character here.

"What're you looking at Kyon?" The Goddess lifts half her head off the desk and gives me a scornful glare.

"I just thought something was troubling you." I'm not sure when I started caring about Haruhi's feelings – I mean she hasn't been given any awards for caring about others herself. But I guess Haruhi's had it a bit rough lately, what with being assaulted by a mutant tree and half digested by a demon crane.

"What do you care Kyon? Just leave me alone."

Ouch Haruhi...For some reason that actually hurt a little.

"Why do you think all those strangely dressed men are outside?" Our team mascot shakily placed our fresh cups of tea down.

"It is nothing of our concern." Our team alien computer robot loli answered from the corner, satiating herself in another piece of Earthian literature.

This would normally be the moment where Haruhi jumps up on the desk and says something like, 'maybe they're looking for aliens who've landed on earth and snatched our bodies' before rubbing up next to Miss Asahina and adding another page to the list of violations she has committed against her.

Well I'm sorry to disappoint, but Miss Suzumiya wasn't in the mood for that kind of behaviour today. Instead she rolled her head towards the window, exhaled in a long sigh before sliding out her chair and standing up, still facing the window before turning around and heading straight towards the door...that's right, she was giving herself an early mark from the clubroom today!

"You guys can go home or whatever, club's dismissed." She said in a very droll tone. I caught a glimpse of her eyes which were as dead as the Dead Sea when she brushed past, departing the clubroom with nothing else left to say.

With the real agent of potential worldwide destruction gone, Yuki proceeded to remind me to, "Make sure you watch it." for the DVD she gave me just last night.

Poor Miss Asahina. The adorable little time traveller doesn't seem any closer to knowledge about these demons than Yuki or myself. She looks at us with an expression of teary eyed confusion. Yeah, perhaps its best if our innocent cosplaying time-traveller is spared from the harsh realities of demons and Devilkyons.

"You should also speak to Miss Suzumiya." Yuki added another suggestion to her growing list of demands (it's already risen by 100 percent!). "She may become aware of her powers."

But surely that's a good thing. Maybe she'll learn to control her behaviour if she knows she can bring about all our deaths with one stupid dream or wish.

"If Haruhi realises that she is responsible for causing the arrival of these Demons, then it would cause a universal anomaly in the space-time continuum." Hmm that doesn't sound very good either. Well I guess I better go talk to the blue Goddess then.

…

As I reach into my shoe locker I hear somebody's footsteps approaching. "'Sup Kyon?"

Guess it was about time he made his appearance...

"Oh hey Taniguchi," I crane my neck around the corner of the shoe lockers. "Where's Kunikida?"

Throwing his jacket over his shoulder, Taniguchi lets out a huge sigh. "Oh he's been hanging around this girl lately. I think they might be serious for each other..." He shakes his head as though regretting something. "Seriously Kyon, who'd of thought out of our trio, he'd be the first one to get hooked up like that huh?"

Yeah...Well the trick is that he actually treats girls as human beings Taniguchi. "Yeah well good for him I guess."

The self-claimed class playboy nudges his elbow into my ribs. "You better try and get yourself in with Haruhi or Miss Asahina sooner or later, otherwise you'll be left behind dude."

I will date Miss Asahina when I feel the the time is right thank you very much! "Meh...They're just guys I hang out with in the clubroom."

Taniguchi's gaze suddenly hardens as he lowers his brow. "By the way, did those guys check over you too this morning?"

"Oh well uh, yeah I think so...I mean it was just a brief pat down and I was alright."

Taniguchi crossed his arms and lowered one eyebrow down even further. "Apparently a virus which makes people go all crazy and violent has been running rampant around the city since last night. There's already talks that schools and businesses will have to shut until the epidemic clears."

Could the number of demons have risen that quickly!-? "Taniguchi, have you seen Koizumi around lately?"

"Huh?" Taniguchi gives me a puzzled glare. "Oh him? Nah, has he been playin' hooky lately or something?"

"Yeah he has..." I say with a lower tone.

"Perhaps Miss Suzumiya is going out after the truant, I just saw her leaving the school gates a few minutes ago."

"Really? Thanks for letting me know Taniguchi." I quickly slip on my outdoor shoes whilst holding my indoor shoes between my neck and chest. "Oh and one more thing..." I quickly turn back to him for a moment. "You weren't diagnosed with the virus right?"

With a brief shake of his head I was free to go, at least I wouldn't have to worry about messing my claws to kill another – well let's just say comfortable acquaintance of mine...

…

As I ran towards the school gates, the gateway was quickly closed off by a dozen white-coated men, they were giving me hand signals and holding their palms out for me to stop. Some of them even gripped their rifles in case they needed to use them on a rebellious student like me.

"Hang on there kid, we just need to give you another check up before you leave school." One of the masked men said with a muffled voice.

But if they were to find out I was a Devilkyon, would they be able to tell the difference? Or would they just throw me in the same basket and treat me as the other demons?

"It's alright young man." Another one steps forward, hardly giving me any comfort either with that assault rifle strapped around his shoulders. "If you were all clear coming in here we don't have any need to worry about you contracting anything in school, we just have to be extra cautious at the moment okay?"

Guns.

Masks.

Soldiers.

Demons.

I haven't even seen the stupid movie yet, but I'm guessing this must be the part where everyone goes ballistic, accusing their neighbours and colleagues of being demons and then 'KRRRRKKKCCCKKK' they're ain't no trial for where those guys are heading.

The guy grabs my wrist and holds down quite violently. "Now this'll only take a minute so please stay calm."

How can I stay calm when you're about to blow my whole cover as a half-demon? One guy snaps on a white rubber glove and flexes his fingers a little.

That does it for it me...With or without my identity revealed or hidden I am not getting that sort of thing done to me again!

I swat the man away from me as my arm mutates into its beastly form. As the spike break through my skin and my jaw widens with sharper teeth the other soldiers immediately tremble, aiming their rifles, contemplating whether to kill a young man or not?

But I don't have time for these moral minefields. I've gotta find Haruhi. And watch this DVD Miss Nagato gave me. So I'll help you guys down there with your decision, by flying the heck outta here!

"STOP HIM!" They all begin spraying their bullets into the sky. I curl in my right wing for a shield but the bullets are soon breaking through making Swiss cheese of my bat wings.

"AGH!" I growl in pain as a rogue bullet strikes through my right shoulder. I bite my lower lip as I push off the air with my left wing, awkwardly flying away from the demon inquisition forces.

Now where is that moody Goddess ran off too? As I scour the urban labyrinth from the sky like an infinite vantage point, I spot a girl wearing a yellow hairband walking towards a railway crossing. She still seems to have a glum expression masking over her.

"Haruhi." I try and parachute my demon form down towards her position. But when she takes her gaze upwards I shriek as I quickly revert back to my human form, dropping at least ten metres until my right elbow crashes onto the concrete.

And yes...It really-really...really hurt.

"AGGHHH!" I suck my teeth as I clutch my possibly broken right arm.

"What're you doing Kyon." The crunching footsteps and rather annoyed sounding tone of Haruhi is heard behind my back.

"Oh hehe..." I rise to my feet pretending to shrug off the pain. "Agh-uh um, well I thought I might just have a quick chat."

Haruhi's eyes seem to darken under the veil of shadow, she averts her gaze from me as she brushes past. But just as she reaches for the boomgate I grab her wrist. She pauses and turns, with the sun descending behind her giving the melancholy teenage girl an orange glow. Her mouth lowers as though she wants to express shock or disgust or confusion or maybe some other form of emotion that hasn't been invented yet.

Now things become somewhat clearer as teeth gnaw together, revealing a scowl. Her hair virtually stands up as she swings back her other arm, her hand on a homing course for my cheek.

But without diverting my gaze I hold out my free arm. Blocking her slap as her expression turns back into shock. Her eyes widen and I sense her trembling as she manipulates her lips into one word. "Kyon?"

"Haruhi...we need to talk and...OWCH!" Now realising the foolishness of using my right arm to block her strike I show my mortal weakness again.

I loosen my grip on her wrist as she slips away, turning her back from me. After a long drawn out pause, she finally opens out with something. "Recently, strange things have been happening around here..."

"Yeah I know..." I sigh finding no way of getting around these odd events.

She half turns her head towards me, revealing a very blue looking eye. "I think...I might have done something to spark all these weird things happening."

Does this mean Haruhi is becoming aware of her powers? "Now that's not really true. I mean bad things happen to everyone, we can't control-"

"DON'T LIE TO ME KYON!" And just to make that outburst even more telling, the boomgates fell down as the alarm kept ringing out, adding more tension to this sudden awkwardness I was experiencing. What was I meant to say or do now? Did Haruhi manage to piece together that crappy movie and the sudden occurrence of demons in the city? Or did Haruhi know this would result from her terrible home cinematic experience? What if...she used that DVD as an experiment, to confirm her own powers?

My thoughts are drowned out by the passing of a heavy passenger train, screeching and rolling it's way towards another node of metropolis. Shadow and light keep wiping over Haruhi's tear stricken body. And when the train finally passes and the boomgates rise again, Haruhi's tears are aggressively crushed as she shuts her eyes and turns away from me once again, storming across the railway crossing shrinking away from my vision the further away she walks down the road.

Okay. I'm all out of ideas. Was this the part in the movie where the demon and human couple have relationship problems or something? Was I suppose to just let her walk away and cool off for a while or was I meant chase after her and bring her in for a- well I don't know which option I'm supposed to take, it's like being through one of those corny choose-your-own-adventure novels which usually sell for about 200 yen outside a crusty old bookstore or those corny visual novels which end up being adapted into an insane Norwegian-boat Anime

I think I need to refer to the instructional DVD now...

…

"Hey Kyon's back home!" My little sister runs down the stairs holding Shamisen in one arm. "Mum's been waiting for you to come back home so we can start dinner Kyon, I'm hungry 'cos of you!" My little sister tries to attack me with her windmill fist but I manage to keep her out of attack range by holding onto her tiny forehead. "Oh! You big meanie!"

"Yeah-yeah, just tell Mum to leave mine in the fridge for later." I start heading upstairs as I hold onto the DVD. "I've got to do a test on this movie tomorrow."

"'Kay~!"

…

When I reach my den I throw off my backback and crack open the DVD case revealing a shoddy looking pirated disc with a green looking demon holding out his elbow in some dodgy defensive pose. He looks a lot like me when I'm Devilkyon.

"So this is the crappy movie which started it all huh?" I say to myself as I rest the DVD onto the disc tray, pressing the button to close the tray and start the movie. "Two hours was it?" I try and recall from Haruhi's film review on this. "Well even if it's crap, it's a break from study at least..."

Now I could go through the various emotions and physical process I was undergoing the two hours of this 'cult-hit classic' but there was probably just a few thought bubbles worth quoting here:

_'This...really is awful...'_

_'Why is there a fat black guy reading the news in Japan?'_

_'Oh that was just like when I fought Tsuruya as Sirenyoron.'_

_'That guy's a total douche.'_

And then...

_'Whoah hang on! That's messed up! She wasn't even a demon and that mob just...'_

Oh and of course:

_'The final battle scene's really corny...Worst CGI ever.'_

_'I didn't even watch the damn OVA series and I can tell this they crapped all over it with this remake!'_

_'Well, that's a pretty sad ending then...'_

If I were Haruhi, I can understand why I would want to go all World War III on my DVD player too. That was the most dreadful piece of piss that could ever call itself a movie ever. At least Twilight had an excuse for being a piece of rectal examination but Devilman is inexcusable! Now the way things are going, a Demon hunting lynch mob is probably going to start spreading around the city.

"We have trouble."

"GAH!" Yuki suddenly appears outside my window. "How the crap did you get up to my window? And for that matter, how do you know where I live?"

"Miss Suzumiya is in grave danger." Yuki's words, even without the slightest fluctuation in urgency were enough to spark my Devilkyon senses. I jumped to my feet and very nearly ripped off my window. "It can't all be happening this fast! Right?"

Yuki answers with the faintest of a lowering of her head into a nod. "The consequential events arising from Miss Suzumiya's viewing of that film have increased in pace since she has become aware of her power to influence the world."

"But then that would mean-"

_"IT'S THE DEMONS! KILL THE DEMONS!"_ Fire and pitchforks rise over the cityscape as buildings are set alight and houses ransacked for citizens deemed to be carrying the demon gene. Hordes of screaming citizens carry their sounds across the city as a cacophony of anarchy and chaos ensues. I should have realised this was going to happen a lot sooner. If I had just watched the stupid movie a lot sooner I could have foreseen this coming – it's so damn predictable that I wish I could just eat my own hand cursing my fallacy in this phenomenon.

"Kyon! I'm scared!" My little sister's crying voice arrives behind the door. "All these angry people are walking down the street! What should we do?"

"Stay inside the house!" I urge my little sister. "Don't let anybody inside whatever you do!"

"Miss Suzumiya-"

"I know Yuki I know dammit but why didn't you tell me this was what happens in the movie?"

With a few thought data processing blinks she briefly answers. "Telling you about a speculated event would not have convinced you enough to save Miss Suzumiya. Therefore it was necessary to provide you with sufficient data so you could confirm corresponding events for yourself."

"But now Haruhi's probably in real trouble! If I had known earlier I still would have-"

"You're disposition towards Miss Suzumiya would not have driven you to express concern for her unless you were confident she was in actual danger."

"Dammit Miss Nagato then I've just gotta fly over ands rescue her right?"

"That would be the highly recommended response." The little robot girl answers.

"Right! I'm coming Miss Suzumiya!" I summon my wings as I soar over the night sky, looking down at a city in flames. Scorched earth and blood sweeps across the landscape, painting the city in hues of orange and red. But somewhere in this shoddy movie turned reality is Haruhi's place. I zero in on her location, diving down like a kamikaze pilot.

"Miss Suzumiya are you alr-" When I finally land outside the burning wreckage that was her house I'm immediately confronted with a wall of fierce eyes. They are not demons, but humans driven to insanity by the demon threat. With their tongues lashing out for blood and their kitchen utensils and garden tools brandished like swords and spears I freeze up, losing all feeling in my body when I'm confronted with my true nightmare. God I knew the S.O.S brigade had been responsible for some crazy shit in the past...but I never knew it would come to this devastating point.

I could see Haruhi now, she was clearly visible waving above the angry crowd, that is at least, her head impaled on the end of a long stick...

I was too late...And judging by Haruhi's blank white eyes and gaping mouth, permanently locked in an expression of sudden shock...My lateness had presented me with the ultimate penalty...Miss Suzumiya would never be able to forgive me now...

* * *

><p><strong>Kyon: Why? Just why?<strong>

**TM: What do you mean why? Haven't you watched Amon: Apocalyspe of Devilman?**

**Kyon: I don't care! This is just...it's too damn far you know!**

**TM: I thought you'd appreciate seeing Haruhi offed for good.**

**Kyon: Hey! She might be an annoying self-absorbed nutcase, but she's still...**

**TM: Eeh? You can't admit it can you, go on what is Haruhi to you then?**

**Kyon: Well what's the point now that she's dead you bastard!-?**

**TM: That's good yeah save up that anger for the next chapter when Debirukyon's sure to get real pissed off by now. There will proabably only be two more chappys left, so please don't miss the next one - it's sure to be a bloodbath of gore and emotion!  
><strong>

**Kyon: Thank God this crap's nearly over!_  
><em>**


	11. Apocalypse of Debirukyon Part II

**Chapter Zero...**

I was too late...

Haruhi Suzumiya...The highly energetic and eccentric girl who changed so much of my outlook on this ordinary world...who changed so much of my life (probably more for the worst)...

...Is dead...Her severed head - with a face that is forever weeping out to her saviour which never came, serves as a harsh reminder of that.

All because of some horrible movie...

All because of me and my negligence...

If I only I could laugh at the blatant irony poking out to me much like these mobster's pitchforks and sticks. But I had just finished watching the said movie which has led to this rampant and unprecedented destruction...I could have at least used it as an instruction manual for how events would turn out...In fact the course of events over the last few days would have been so obvious to me, or even my little sister, if I had simply watched that dreadful film earlier...

If this was Haruhi's wish to bring the world of demons to life...Did she ever consider the consequences that might have been laid upon us...let alone her very self?

Did Haruhi really want me to be the hero for once...?

Perhaps Haruhi just wished that, for once, she wanted to know the feeling of being saved by someone strong, handsome and reliable...

I am sorry Haruhi...It seems you picked the wrong candidate for those criteria...

I am not strong...

I am not handsome...

I am not reliable...

I am weak...

I am a monster...

I am hopeless...

I am...Devilkyon...

...

...

...

_"**GRAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!-!-!-!-!-!"**_

Slash.

Rip.

Tear.

Eviscerate.

Crush.

Break.

Splinter.

Pierce.

Suddenly I'm feeling a little better...When I let out the demon within me and get my revenge upon those so called humans who murdered Haruhi.

I hold an old man by the head as I lift him off the ground, allowing him enough time to scream as I crush his skull. I lunge my claws at another man, opening a cache or organs as they spill over the ground. In the mayhem, people slip and fall from all the blood, organs and muscle tissue that I've painted the road with. By now, some of them have managed to reorganise into a formation, throwing their flaming torches at my body. But these flames won't burn my heart now...I scram out in another bestial roar as I spread my wings, flying towards them as I cut through a column of the mob, bifurcating a dozen of the fools...Through the column, they now try and converge upon me with their pitchforks. I get stabbed and impaled in a number of places – but I don't care. I'd eat the pain if I could, I just need the satisfaction of this revenge.

"**Bastards**!" I poke my bestial claws through a man's eyes, making him twinge before he slumps down with the others.

"**Bastards**!" I clasp my hand around the lower jaw of a young woman's neck, her eyes cluster with tears as she prays for my mercy...Her eyes widen and dull when she realises that mercy won't come...With a twist her neck, she falls down too.

"**Bastards**!" I sweep my hand around in a horizontal arc, decapitating a row of lynchers. Their headless stumps release a garden spray of crimson water before they fall, piling up among the mountain of bodies already laying at my feet. "**Bastards! Bastards! Bastards! Bastards!"**

"**DIE!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"**

…

…

...

_I hate this..._

_I hate this..._

I just hate this so much...I wish I could just wake up in the clubroom and find out it was all just an elaborate dream - conjured up by the Goddess herself...Is that too much to ask for?

But this is my reality...With the flames of death and destruction plaguing the city. I retreat to the dark and abandoned outskirts. Judging by the pile of wood, the smouldering ashes, and the arms and legs littering the streets, I'm guessing the demons and humans have already consumed their meals here.

I cradle Haruhi's severed head in my demon arms. Her cold pale face nestling softly against my beastly chest...She looks much more peaceful resting in my arms like this, just as though she were taking a long, deep sleep against my chest...Her delicate hair occasionally tickles my skin as we walk against a fresh breeze...The winds of war itself...The winds which come to cast away the aftermath of such a pointless and bitter conflict.

Haruhi...Godammit, why did you have to go and die like off that crappy movie? Why did you have to go in such a horrible way? And why am I being left behind like this? Why couldn't they have just killed me instead and leave you and my friends alone?

"My, my...Well isn't this an unfortunate series of events..."

_**That voice...**_

"I suppose I should have come clean with you in the beginning Debirukyon..." I hear a footstep jump into a small puddle as he descends onto the ground. "But it seems I've left things too late..At least for Miss Suzmiya's sa-"

"**SHUT UP KOIZUMI!**" Wow...I've always wanted to say that to his face and never had the opportunity. Now it feels kinda good... **"Shut up and never say that name again..."**

"I'm impressed that you have still managed to maintain that human portion of your heart, Debirukyon." He strides over and holds out a slender hand, reaching towards my face. "I always admired this form of yours...I find it to be...the most beautiful aspect of you."

"**Grgh.**" SNAP. I swat out a hand and pull out his arm, throwing the limb into a nearby wall. "**You knew this would all happen didn't you?**" I say through sharp canines. "**"You knew if Haruhi watched that dumb movie that she would call forth the demons and bring an end to this world – didn't you! ANSWER ME!**" I punch a fist through his chest, hooking underneath his throat as I lift him off his feet.

The Esper still smiles his smug, pretentious smile even as thick dark red blood oozes out of the corners of his lips and a crimson ocean pours out of his stumpy arm. "I had no control over anything...It was Miss Suzumiya who-"

"**I SAID NEVER MENTION HER NAME AGAIN!" **I throw him into a large pile of concrete rubble, shaking his fault blood off my arm as I wait for him to emerge...If I know Koizumi (and the movie) well...I know that won't be enough to keep him down.

And surely enough, with a glow of golden light - as if God has chosen him as his new messenger on earth, he rises once again from the twisted wreckage. I just had to confirm it with my own two devil eyes what this slimy Esper's true nature was...

Levitating above me and Haruhi, holding out his arms in an offering of peace like the saviour himself, spreading a crop of a dozen golden wings with feathers razor sharp enough to cut through mountains, his skin as smooth and pristine as a newborn baby possessing both breasts supple enough to feed an entire village and genitals big enough to – AHEM. He offers a smile of ivory white pearls, speaking with a tone that both soothes and rocks my very bones to the core. "Behold Debirukyon...This form I possess, that of neither man nor woman...A beast just like you...I am the fallen angel Lucifer...I am Satan..."

That's great Koizumi – or Satan...Because I am Devilkyon – no Debirukyon...

**And I kill Demons...**

* * *

><p><strong>TM: Tee-hee-heheheeeeee~!<strong>**  
><strong>

**Kyon: Grrr..._Koizumi_!  
><strong>

**TM: I'm so friggin excited! Everything's set for the final epic duel between you and Koizumi!  
><strong>

**Kyon: I'm gonna kill him!  
><strong>

**TM: Hell yeah! Come on tell the readers what you're gonna do.  
><strong>

**Kyon: I'M GONNA KILL HIM!  
><strong>

**TM: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  
><strong>

**Kyon: I'M GONNA KILL HIM!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!  
><strong>

**TM: WHAT!-?  
><strong>

**KYON: I'M GONNA F*%#&G WRECK THAT HERMAPHRODITE SON OF A B$#&H AND TWIST HIS D8%$ AND SH&!$%* INSIDE OUT SO HE &*$%# &^$^%$ &^$^ SIDEWAYS ^%#*&% ^$^%^&% WITH A MEDICINE CUP!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!  
><strong>

**[Long awkwad silence...]  
><strong>

**TM: O-kay...That's...good to know Kyon...Well...uuuh...Please don't miss the final chapter of _The Melancholy of Debirukyon..._  
><strong>

**Kyon: ...And then when his finished licking all that up I'll-  
><strong>

**TM: PLEASE KYON NO MORE!  
><strong>


	12. The Melancholy of Debirukyon Part IV

**Chapter 999999999.9**

I don't hesitate. I charge first, bearing my demon claws as I barrel into his torso. He slides out of my charge and I dive into the pile of rubble, coughing and dusting myself off as I begin to enter my next charge. I leap off the rubble and enter the air, slashing and tearing at the sky where I would prefer Koizumi – no Satan, was occupying. I kick and claw and flap my wings, hoping to reach his position, but he keeps evading my attacks. He still holds that smug grimace on his glowing androgynous face, as he soars higher he keeps looking down on me – mocking me as though I can never truly reach his level.

You bastard Koizumi...I'll wipe that smug look off your face, along with the rest of it!

"**GRAAAAGGHH! DIE KOIZUMI!**" I feel power raging through my body as my limbs and torso begin growing in size. Lightning rains down upon me as I grow beyond the heights of the apartment buildings (if they were still standing at least). My flesh darkens and my head widens and expands, my canines stretch as longer than a mere human's height.

"Oh! So this is the Giga effect?" Koizumi admires my form with continued mockery as he sends a beam of light energy towards my new form. I catch the blast in my fist as I step forward, swiping my hand in order to swat away the pest that is Koizumi. "Such a splendid form, but it still won't be enough to-GARK!" I finally silence the she-man when I summon a streak of lighting down upon him, his body sizzling in ferocious electricity.

"**You really need to know when to shut up Koizumi..." **I growl as I grab his smaller body, crushing him within my giant fist. "**Argh damn!**" Now I find his wings really were made of tough stuff, with blood trickling down my clenched fist as his wings cut into my flesh.

"You still believe you can claim to be on the same level as a Fallen Angel?" Koizumi's eyes burn with bright flaming energy as his wings just out, expanding and impaling through my hand in a number of areas.

"**GAARRRRGGHHH!-!-!-!-!" **When he retracts his wings I hold out my wounded hand, trying hopeless to numb the pain.

"I will put you out of your misery my dear Kyon." Koizumi now grows into a mega size, we now both tower over the burning ruins of the city. Now we just need a set of toy cars and a model train-set and we can film the four-hundred and eighth Godzilla movie!

We both lunge out as we push against each other, trying to wrestle the other one to the hard ground (because you know the bigger they are, the harder they fall right?). I bear my teeth in a smirky grin as I try to break through this enemy, but Koizumi smiles too, as I notice a golden glow of light coming from his forehead. It flashes and shimmers rapidly, growing into an immense ball of light that-

"**SHIT!" **I roll down as he releases the destructive beam of energy it's path carving into some forest mountains some kilometres away. As I try and recover he smashes his two fists in a hammer strike down on the back of my neck, sending me crashing down to the earth. Before I can try and recover again he kicks my gut, driving me down towards the city like a giant tsunami, crushing and ploughing through everything in my way.

Just as he is about to send his foot into my skull I pluck out a telegraph pole and stick it in the sole of his foot, causing him to squeal in a bestial roar which sounds like a horrible combination of Justin Beiber, Nicki Minaj, and all the other most ear shatteringly brain exploding noises you could possibly think of in this world. I send some electricity through the poles as they burn away at his foot, driving up his leg until it only a charred stump remains. Now I lift my titanic body up off the ground, barging into Koizumi as I reach my feet. This sends him slowly falling backwards, impaling his back into a cathedral cross.

"**HAH! Now who's looking down on who?" **I mock my former S.O.S brigade comrade as I dig my foot into his stomach, sending him further into the cathedral, coating the place of worship in a new paint of blood and giant demon intestines.

"Heh-Kurk! NO matter what you do to me...You'll never get Miss Suzumiya back."

"**SHUT UP YOU BASTARD!" **Still not satisfied with Koizumi still breathing, I proceed to repeatedly pummel his once flawless angelic face, mashing it into a pile of squished up silly putty. "**JUST!" **SQUELCH. "**FUCKING!"** SPLAT. "**DIE!"** SPLISH. "**ALREADY!-!-!-!-!-!"**

When his face has finally caved in on itself, with shards of skull piercing out of his cheeks and nose, I find myself still unsatisfied. His busty golden chest still slowly rising and falling. A sickening grin comes across my demon face as I dig a claw through his left breast, clamping down on the puffy chunk of flesh before twisting and wrenching the entire thing off his body. A trail of muscle tissue strings down his separated flesh as I dangle it above his head, yanking out the final few strands before discarding the offending item far across the mountains. I now grab both his forearms, standing up as I brace a foot against his chest; pulling with all my strength until I pluck his two arms from his torso with a huge CREEAAAK. I lower the limbs at my feet as I now clasp onto Koizumi's neck and lift his one-limbed torso off the ground, digging my claws deep into the arteries of his neck.

The only thing that seems to have survived my brutal onslaught is his wings. They still shine a weak golden hue as I ring the life out of him.

But through his mattered pile of brain and skull fragments atop his neck (I couldn't possibly call it a head anymore) a few scattered white pearls moved around to form something remotely close to a smile. A pudgy piece of yolk that was once an eye stared at me. He spoke with a booming voice.

"Well done Kyon...You passed the test!"

Suddenly I felt half my weight leave my body. I had only just blinked once, but in that time his wings must have sliced through my body. I feel my upper body falling away as my legs remain planted in the ground like huge fleshy towers. My head hits the ground with a loud thud, worse than being hit on the head by one of Haruhi's hotpot. My body feels lighter and weaker as I find myself shrinking back to normal size. My flesh reverting back to that of a human.

_…_

I have to admit...The thought of dying actually kinda scares me...It hurts so damn much, but I'm too weak to cry or complain (at least not aloud that is). I can only shed a few bittersweet tears as I realise my times with Haruhi and the S-O.S brigade have come to an end.

Koizumi's body lay just a few metres away...He's no longer breathing...Haruhi's severed head still rests comfortably in a small rock nearby. She's already ditched the club - and the fate of the world it seems.

I look back up at the sky. A giant black chasm appears out of a swirl of crimson clouds ready to consume all the light and life of this world...

Well Haruhi, I hope you were happy in the end, you certainly got your wish in the end...

I suppose I should thank you...Now I'm finally free of your pointless and annoying club duties...Free of that loud and obnoxious voice of yours...

But I think I kinda miss Miss Asahina's tea...I miss Miss Nagato's quiet contribution to the clubroom...I miss Koizumi's wisdom (but I don't miss that smug expression he has plastered in his face like all the time!) and I think...

I think I might actually miss you too Haruhi

I'll miss your kind hearted nature...I'll miss the yellow headband you've worn in your hair since we first began talking to each other...I'll miss the interesting and memorable adventures we all go on...And most of all...

...I'll miss that sunny smile of yours...

Yeah...Could I possibly change my mind God(s) and/or Godess(es)...I think I'd rather live than die...I know I've been a bit picky lately but, could one of you guys in the sky give me break just this once?

If only she hadn't watched that crappy movie...

Ugh...I'm getting too tired now...I think I should just close my eyes for a while now.

Oh...looks like two angels have come to fetch my body...Thanks guys, one of you looks really cute by the way...

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I find myself back in the clubroom. I grab around my waist and feel my lower half is reattached again, no mortal wounds or anything. Koizumi looks like his usual pompous but healthy self, smiling as he clicks a white checker piece on the board.

"Your move Kyon."

Oh thanks...

"Sorry about the wait Kyon, here's your tea." The magical marvellous maid that is Miss Asahina precariously plants my fresh mug of pure bliss on my table. Just inhaling the steaming hot aroma is enough to soothe anyone's shaky heart.

Yuki gives me a quick glance from her trademark corner of the room before sinking her face back into another book.

"Is it alright Kyon." Miss Asahina glances over my shoulder as I lift my mug of warm liquid goodness to my mouth, scolding my throat with the flower seeds of hope and joy.

"It's perfect Miss Asahina." I smile warmly as I gulp down another mouthful.

"I wonder what on earth Miss Suzumiya could be up to?" Koizumi ponders whilst he places his checker over one of mine, taking that space.

"Haruhi?"

"YAHOOO!"

And on the magic word, guess who comes crashing through the door?

"You seem in an awfully excited mood today Haruhi..." I grumble as I cross my arms. I notice she's holding a bunch of blank discs between her fingers.

"Guess what guys?" She beams. "I managed to procure a bunch of movies for us to watch!"

Okay Haruhi first by 'procure' I'm sure you meant 'steal off some poor Computer Club boy and by 'movies' I'm sure you meant 'crappy and illegally pirated ones you got some said Computer Club boy to download and burn onto a disc for you'. "So what kind of movies did you 'procure' then Haruhi?" I ask with vaguely any interest anyway.

"That's a great question Kyon. Lemme see." She pokes out her tongue as she spreads all the disc out onto the table. The five of us huddle over and read all the movie titles.

_'AX 'EM'_

_'THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS'_

_'BATTLEFIELD EARTH'_

_'MEET THE FEEBLES'_

_'THE PIG [censor] MOVIE'_

_'A SERBIAN FILM'_

Okay I'm starting to really wonder about your tastes in film Haruhi.

_'SALO 120 DAYS OF SODOM'_

_'THE LAST AIRBENDER'_

_'TWILIGHT'_

Okay now I'm really worried about - "Wait you want 'US' to watch these awful movies?"

And as I had feared, the eccentric S.O.S brigade leader twirled a pointy wand of a finger at yours truly. "I'm mostly counting on you to watch these for me – especially that Sebian one, I hear it's real good...In the meantime..." She plucks out one last disc from the top of her stocking of all places. Waving the silver disc so the glare gets in my eyes I can just make out the title:

_'DEVILMAN – THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE'_

"Hmmm!" Yuki hums quite loudly as she waddles over next to me.

"So you guys have fun with those one's since I'm late y'all can just head home or whatever – I don't even think we have teachers in this school anyway."

Careful Haruhi. These walls can hear us you know...

"HMMMM-HMMM!" Yuki hums a lot more ferociously, like a quiet chainsaw. Miss Asahina also looks kinda timid, holding out her hand as if she wants to grab something.

"Is something wrong Miss Nagato?" The Esper very surprisingly picks up on our little alien's strange behaviour. She tugs my sleeve as she points to Haruhi walking outside the door.

I don't know what you want? Just tell me what you want and I can help you!

"That disc..." Miss Asahina squirms around. "It's uhhh...uhh...IT'S POISON!"

"POISON!-?" Without even thinking I run out to the hall way, crashing past a few students as I catch up the foolhardy Goddess. "HARUHI! HA...RU...HIIIII!"

She whirls around in a confused start. "Kyon...what the-"

GRAB. "UNGH." SNAP. BREAK. "DONE! Hah...hah...hah."

"Kyon you idiot! What did you do that for?" She screws up her nose in anger.

"Hah...hah...hah..." I hold onto my knees trying to catch my breath. "Can't watch...Asahina...Poison..."

She crosses her arms and slide out one foot, still quite annoyed at the rather impulsive act I had just committed. "Alright, I won't watch Devilman..." She huffs.

Oh thank God...

"-But just for that...You can watch Twilight an extra two times now – **IN 3D MWAHAHAHAHA!"**

__NOOOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!__

_The End..._

* * *

><p><strong>TM: Aww...Isn't it great that everyone gets to live happily ever after?<br>**

**Kyon:_ [Stuck on the couch watching his third run of Twilight 3D]_ geeeeuuuuuuuuhhhh...  
><strong>

**TM: Well folks, looks like that's the end. From what was originally meant to be a one shot, this story ended up going a whole twelve episodes and over 25 000 words! I hope you will all now become avid fans of the Devilman (no - Debiruman) franchise. Just remember to stay well clear of the Live-action adaptation! And as we like to say always...It is never safe to injest any form of Twilight (novel, film or fanfiction - unless parodied in a Hellsing or Haruhi X-over of course)...EVER! Okay well please leave your reviews and tell me what you thought...Bye-bii!  
><strong>

**Kyon: _[Still stuck on couch w**atching his third run of Twilight 3D**_****_]_ even my vomit wants to throw up right now...**_**  
><strong>_

**THE END (FOR MEGAS REALS THIS TIME!)  
><strong>


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